M.R. Worthington

The English Game

2008-06-06T11:21:00.001-08:00

So I've reentered the life of an Ex-Patriate. I've left the country to study English things for the summer, which I then plan to reinitiate myself, upon return, into being an American by reading an American History Textbook. Not because I have to, nor because I actually will, but because it's a lame joke. And I thought it fitting to put a very lame joke right here.

Now.

There are a lot of funny things to tell about my journey to Oxford, some of which I'm afraid I can't repeat because I don't think it appropriate so I'll water them down a bit. However, Here's some interesting things that have happened thus far:

1.) When I got here, I was almost denied access into the country, because one of my friends thought it a funny prank to sticky note a really inappropriate drawing onto one of the pages inside my passport. The lady at the immigration booth thought I had placed it there, and was highly unnerved and slightly menacing because of how offensive the image was. I had to apologize nearly 4,000 times and tell her with a really worried look on my face how inappropriate I thought it was, and that it really wasn't me cause I wasn't laughing about it.

Later, although I was really upset about it initially, I laughed about it because no one else has that story (And you, Don't take so much credit for that. You know who you are. You're only apart of that story). If anyone wants more details, you'll have to find me later.

2.) I went to a sandwich shop called "On the Hoof" that I use to go to all of the time. I haven't been in over 2 years. Tuesday morning, while it was raining the way that feels like there's a pipe that's spitting out water at you when it shouldn't because a very tiny hole in the seal has emerged, I walked into "On the Hoof" with an umbrella huddled tightly over my head because of the low doors and no joke... the moment that I let the Umbrella down and shook it out, the lady at the front counter looked at me and said, "Oh, You Came Back!"

This kind of thing can make you smile.

3.) I was doing some research, finding some more sources for my paper at some secondhand book shops, when I came across a very old version of "The Screwtape Letters" by C.S. Lewis. It was a seventh edition printing from 1942 just 7 months after the first printing had happened. On the front it reads,

"A new book by the author of 'The Problem of Pain' one of the most widely read and discussed works of recent years."

I bought it for about $5.

4.) Someone asked me if I use to be the SA President at ACU.

That's a joke. A very sad, sad joke.

Real #4.) I still have a shot at seeing Coldplay for Free and I'm really hoping it'll happen.

5.) The research I'm doing is interesting, though I'm still learning to handle all of this properly. I'm heading off on Sunday to a conference in London that pertains to a good bit of what I'm researching. I'll get to stay with some ACU Alum so that'll be pretty cool.

6.) Also, I've been working out a lot. I think I'm gonna have to stop though, cause my arms don't fit in my shirts anymore and I can't afford new clothes with the exchange rate over here.

7.) I think tonight is my final bout with Jet Lag. Let's pray cause it's killing me.

8.) This is not really a highlight of anything. Just a note to say to all my friends and my family that I miss you all very much.

Feel free to write me at:

Matt Worthington
9 Canterbury Rd.
Oxford, United Kingdom
OX2 6LU

Benazir Bhutto, Presidential Politics, and the End of the World

2007-12-29T22:09:00.001-08:00

***(Let me preface this note by saying I'm not an expert in politics, nor am I an expert in International relations, nor am I a seasoned theologian. But I do care about the world. Oh, and I'm also not predicting the end of the world or citing that the "End is Near." So don't freak out by the title.)

I'm not sure if you all know this, but two days ago, the former Prime Minister of Pakistan, Benazir Bhutto, was assassinated in Rawalpindi after speaking at Political Rally for the Pakistan People's Party (PPP). I won't go much into it because you can just read about it here:

Pakistan | An Assassin Strikes | Economist.com

However, I did want to say this. I was very disheartened when I watched the news yesterday. I was watching CNN and they were talking with Rudy Giuliani as he was responding to the assassination of Benazir Bhutto. Apparently no one really knows who did it. Some suggest that the President of Pakistan, Pervez Musharraf, and his followers were behind it. Others suggest it was the Taliban or Al Qaeda. People are arguing about who how she died exactly. There's video of a man who fired three shots directly at her and then proceeded to detonate the explosives that were to strapped to himself. Despite this, officials in Pakistan say that she wasn't killed by any shrapnel or bullets or anything from the explosives. I haven't quite figured out what they're suggesting she died of, but I've only figured what they're suggesting she didn't die of.

So who knows who did it? I don't, that's for sure.

Anyways, this is my problem. They were talking to Giuliani about this, and he just starts going on and on about how terrorism is alive in the world and how we need to put an end to this, and how this is what he's been talking about all along. "Terrorism is our #1 priority," he said. I know this may be hard for some of you to understand, but it made me very angry that he said that. For this reason: he really didn't seem all that sad that Benazir Bhutto was dead. What it felt like was that Giuliani was capitalizing off of Benazir Bhutto's death. And while I recognize these are just my feelings, at the same time I wouldn't put it past a politician to do such a thing.

And you know, I'm not just bashing on Rudy. I would suggest that all of us pay close attention in the coming months as to how many times Benazir Bhutto's death is referred to with terrorism. Already they're having specials on the news, "Is Pakistan the new face of Global terrorism and instability in the world?" This kills me. I wonder how much people really care about Pakistanis? I wonder how much they're interested in the fact that people lost their hope of a step towards a more free Pakistan when Benazir Bhutto was assassinated two days ago? In my opinion, I don't really feel like these people are that concerned with the plight of the Pakistan people who are truly hurting because of her death. Instead, I'm sure they've got their campaign strategy managers all coming up w th ways to fit Bhutto's death into furthering the credentials of their campaign. "Look at Bhutto," they'll say. "Isn't this reason enough that terrorism is alive in this world and that we need to attack this. People, this is what I've been trying to say all along and now, because we have not given enough attention to this, people around the world are suffering."

Listen for that. I'm sure in some way, form, or fashion, you'll hear this. And I say be weary of it. Too, be aware of politicians who mud sling. Mitt Romney is becoming notorious for this. It's terrible. if you were really the best candidate for position, why would you feel the need to mud sling about other candidates. If you were the best candidate available, wouldn't you be good enough that your integrity would stand out against those who are supposedly trying to decieve of other people? Romney has been slinging Mudd at McCain and Huckabee and it's disgusting.

"But Matt, don't you know that? That's how life is. You can't avoid that. People are selfish." I'm sure this is running through some people's minds right now.

I couldn't agree more. But I say that this is a tragedy. And we shouldn't just concede to this. Instead, we need to be speaking against this manipulation of an international tragedy. I don't know how to do that. Obviously none of us have an international platform to say these kinds of things. But I do remember something that Mother Theresa said about feeding the poor and I think it applies here, "If you can't feed one hundred poor people, then just feed one poor person." Essentially, don't concede to being void of action just because you can't make an impact on a global level. If you don't have a platform, then make a commitment to be aware of these things yourself.

The other thing is that we should mourn the loss of the Pakistanis ourselves. I know that we're in America and that most of those reading this may not have any Pakistani blood in you, but this is indeed becoming a smaller world. Independence and separation are no longer an option anymore. Nor is dependence. Instead, interdependence. The idea of global brotherhood and sisterhood, this is the idea I'm getting at. If we can't learn to mourn for our brothers and sisters who live in other countries, we will surely destroy ourselves eventually. Now, I'm not one who believes that when the end of the world happens that it God will come down from the clouds and start destroying things. Instead I believe that the end of the world will come when we become, as nations, so self-consumed with our own survival that we fail to learn what it means to be a global family. Our world is growing at a rapid rate. In Jesus' time, the world population was 230 million people. At the end of the first millennium it was 270 million people. In 1820, it was roughly 900 million people. in 1950, it grew to around 2.8 billion people. Today it's around 6.8, almost 7 billion people. Also today, there are 2.8 billion people who live on less than $2 a day. Essentially, the entire world population of 1950 lives on less than $2 a day. In the next 25-50 years, the world's population is expected to double. Can you imagine if in 25-50 years, that 6.8 billion people live in poverty? It's not unlikely to me if we continue to view ourselves as independent and not interdependent.

What we need to do, whether we're polticians or artists or economists or teachers or bus drives or the people at the corner store, is we need to look at our world as a body. Our physical bodies are made up of many parts that are not parasitic to one another, nor are they independent of one another, but they are interdependent. They work to make us walk, to make us run, to make us hug someone that we love. Without all of our parts working together, the body would not function. they could not separate themselves from one another.

Tying this all back up, when people get assassinated, we really need to spend some time mourning and in silence with our brothers and sisters. We need to ask ourselves how they are hurting. We don't need to speedily respond to the circumstance by citing our political agendas, suggesting that if people would just vote for us, that these kinds of things would not happen. We're human beings, we can't fix it all. Surely not alone. We need to learn what it means to be interdependent.

When I read the Bible, I feel that what God is not saying is, "You've gotta learn to get it right or I'm gonna come down there and destroy all of you with supernatural disasters." I don't see him as a cosmic policeman waiting to implement his wrath. He is not a cosmic sadist. Instead what I see him saying to people is, "You've gotta get it right, or you're going to destroy yourselves. And this is what it'll look like, (insert some prophetic image)."

I think we should pay attention to the suffering around the world. I think we need to learn to love those who are suffering around the world, and try to understand their pain. I do not think that pain and suffering is a commodity for America to capitalize on. If we don't learn to understand this, we will surely ruin not only our own country, but we will, without a doubt, ruin our world.

***(It's also a kind of ramble, but if I told you that in the beginning, there's a greater chance you wouldn't have given me the time of day.)

The Third Verse

2007-03-04T23:20:00.001-08:00

In sharing some stories tonight, I came across this poem I wrote some time back. Brent said he liked it, and I respect Brent as a writer (in light of the fact that we're all amateurs-though I am the chief of them no doubt). So here, a poem I wrote a long time ago...

The Third Verse...

I know not if yet you stroll by the waters,
By chance you do, open your eyes for ripples.
I’ve tried so hard not to, but I still sail boats.

If ever you still search my verse,
Worry less. Wake your eyes and look on the trees.
I’ve tried so hard not to, but I still scribble these silly poems.

If you’re cold and shivering in a night,
Take your jacket off. Your embers have not burned out.
I’ve tried so hard not to, but I still warm your story by fires.

I know not if you think I’ve long said goodbye,
By chance you do, search in a distant memory on your desk.
I’d bet I’m not too far away.

Greg's Advice for my Sermon

2007-02-13T09:51:00.000-08:00

So I was telling my brother about how I've been telling people that if they wanted tips on Valentine's Day, that they should come hear me preach at Highland on Wednesday. Greg immediately interrupted with this,

"Oh dude, I'm telling you man. From what I've seen on chick flicks, girls like to be spontaneously kissed. You can't tell them, you just do it. That's what you should tell them on Wednesday in your sermon."

Ha! My brother... Best preaching advice ever... all from the school of chick flicks.

Highland, Preaching, & Hip Hop

2007-02-04T22:59:00.000-08:00

Well I found out that I'm speaking at Highland Church of Christ in Abilene, TX on Valentine's Day (February 14th for those who are feeling clueless.) I hope you'll come check it out, as I will have very depressing things to say since that day is entirely too happy. I'm just kidding, but there's a chance I may not be.

I'm not gonna lie though, I'm pretty excited about it. Not just cause I get to be in front of people. If that were the case, I would have gladly stuck to the stage. There's a great difference between acting and preaching... yes, that's right, preaching. I guess for me, and this is not to discredit the actor, I have to be in front of people with a purpose and a message. The actor, of course, has a message and a purpose, but it is one authored for him by someone other than himself. When you preach, you get to have a message and purpose that is completely unique to the design that God has formed you. That's why I like it. It gives me the opportunity to tell where I've been and how God has been there with me through all of those places, no matter how dark or dim lit they may have been.

p.s. I was trying to think of another word besides preaching, but I guess that's what it is. I feel weird now. Oh well.

In other news,

Divine Madness

2007-01-26T23:30:00.001-08:00

Plato once said that the nature of a poet is some sort of Divine Madness. That when the poet does what he does, he's possessed by a muse who inspires him to create with its Divine Madness. That's one of the things that stood out to me when I took Lit Crit, and I really like it. As creepy as it sounds, I like it.

Watching Homer Hiccolm is like a religious experience for me. Those guys really love what they do, and because of that, watching them make music is incredible.

Thank God for the artist.

The Chapel Speech From Last Thursday

2007-01-25T11:27:00.001-08:00

[*Note: I've refrained from posting this for a while, because I fear that some people will bring their own meanings to my text and pervert it's original intention which I think is clearly stated in the last paragraph. It was a legitimate concern for me after some of my encounters (though not all). After hearing Steven Moore in Chapel today, and talking with him after Chapel, I thought it might benefit some people who were really interested in re-reading what I said last thursday. I hope that this is a blessing to some of you. Peace!]

       Now some of you may not know this, but I’m kinda famous. You see, when I graduated High School, my brother Greg and I (He attends University of Texas at San Antonio) were sitting around discussing how Great Texas was, and how Texas was so independent. Listing all sorts of accomplishments and proud medals that we could boast to other Nations. And building off of each other, we came up with this idea that Texas should Conquer the United States and Name Them Texas #2-50. When Facebook came out…. Of course, I mean, Who isn’t Going to Make that a Facebook Group? So we did. And now, we boast 100s of members…until Facebook went Global and people were having groups with hundreds of thousands and all of a sudden… 750 people wasn’t that big of a deal. The bottom line is that, a lot of people liked the idea that Texas would become independent and sort of… well not sort of…. We would become Independent and Conquer everyone else and then give them our name.
       And I think to myself that as foolish and fun as this facebook group is… This idea is more familiar than I’d like to admit because I am, after all, a son of Independence; a child of America. And many of you are also children of America, who is renown for being the Ultimate Model of Independence. I recall reading in the Economist Last year issues of Developing Nations and throughout the article they spoke how America always serves as the “Cowboy”, the Lone Ranger, who walks into uncharted territories and immediately has the solution to fix the problem, and that solution requires America… and America only, and not anyone else.
       At Urbana, Oscar Muriu contextualized 1 Corinthians 12 and spoke to us of the importance of the Global Church and how if we, as Christians, were to function properly as a body, then we would recognize the need we have for each other. That we would recognize that we should not be independent, but interdependent. Amidst his speech, he questioned whether America should be an exemplary model for the 2/3 world when we are ranked, according to Leonard Sweet’s “Soul Tsunami”, as the third largest Pagan Nation in the world only after India and China. That because we are unable to engage our own culture and break down walls of racial segregation, that perhaps to follow the Western Model of Christianity is to drink from a poisoned chalice. I think that Ronald J. Sider best sums it up in his book “The Scandal of the Evangelical Conscience”, that

“To say there is a crisis of Disobedience in the evangelical world today is to dangerously understate the problem. Born Again Christians divorce at about the same rate as everyone else. Self Centered Materialism is seducing evangelicals and rapidly destroying our earlier, slightly more generous giving. Only 6% of born-again Christians tithe. Born-Agains Christians justify and engage in sexual promiscuity (both premarital sex and adultery) at astonishing rates. Racism and perhaps physical abuse of wives seem to be worse in Evangelical circles than elsewhere. This is scandalous behaviour for people who claim to be born-again by the Holy Spirit and to enjoy the very presence of the Risen Lord in their lives.”

       And this led to me thinking, how in America, we as states, as cities, as neighborhoods, as churches, as ethnic groups, and even as individuals…. We have adopted the same mindset as our nation. How we truly are children of our Father, America. As ethnic groups, even on campus, we have fooled ourselves into believing that we do not need one another. We have seen groups like the KKK, and the Black Panthers, and though we do not adopt their hate and anger… we do adopt their separatist behavior, that says, “As long as I am comfortably surrounded by my caucasian friends, or my black friends, my latino friends, or my Asian friends… That I am not in need of my other ethnic brothers and sisters.” How, as denominations, we say, “As long as I am surrounded my Church of Christ friends, my Baptist friends, my Anglican friends, my Catholic friends… That I am not in need of my brothers and sisters who worship any differently than I do.” And that as socio-economic groups, we say, “As long as I am surrounded by my upper white collar friends, my hard working blue collar friends, or by my lower income minimum wage friends… That I do not need anyone else.”
       For people who behave as dangerously as Ronald Sider has pointed out, we would be very foolish to believe these lies. And as someone who is Multiethnic, like Carla, and myself, who is half latino/half anglo, I certainly know that I need all of my parts in order to function properly. Otherwise I might go crazy. For indeed, the body is not made up of one part but of many. If the Caucasian should say, "Because I am not black, I do not belong to the body," it would not for that reason cease to be part of the body. And if the Latino should say, "Because I am not Asian, I do not belong to the body," it would not for that reason cease to be part of the body. If the whole body were Caucasian, where would the sense of soul and rhythm be? If the whole body were Latino, where would the sense of silence and a healthy diet be? But in fact God has arranged the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be. If they were all one part, where would the body be? As it is, there are many parts, but one body.
       The Baptist Church cannot say to the Catholic Church, "I don't need you!" And Church of Christ cannot say to the Anglican Church, "I don't need you!" On the contrary, the parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, and the parts that we think are less honorable we treat with special honor. And the parts that are unpresentable are treated with special modesty, while our presentable parts need no special treatment. But God has combined the members of the body and has given greater honor to the parts that lacked it, so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it.
       Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it.

Go In Peace!

An Apology...

2007-01-18T23:43:00.000-08:00

       Yesterday morning, I spoke in chapel addressing issues of racial reconciliation. I talked about how we all needed one another. Immediately after it was over, I was addressed by not one, but several of my peers concerning a comment I made during my speech yesterday. The comment went something like this,

“We have seen groups like the KKK, and the Black Panthers, and though we do not adopt their hate and anger… we do adopt their separatist behavior, that says, “As long as I am comfortably surrounded by my caucasian friends, or my black friends, my latino friends, or my Asian friends… That I am not in need of my other ethnic brothers and sisters.”

       The fear from many students was that I was purposely communicating that the KKK and the Black Panthers were equal but opposite organizations. In other words, that the KKK and the Black Panthers were pretty much the same thing, just with different colored people in each group. As well, the fear was that I was placing those two organizations on the same plane. To the fear and legitimate concern of many of my peers, whom I deeply respect, I extend my greatest apologies for poorly communicating my message of reconciliation.
    Historically, it is understood that the KKK was renown for its hate crimes that were born out of arrogance, pride, and a superficial sense of superiority. And on the other hand, the Black Panthers were a reactionary movement to hate crimes fleshed out by organizations like the KKK. The idea that I was trying to convey yesterday was that within ethnic groups, even within Ethnic Organizations who have good intentions (of course, I’m speaking of the Black Panthers… and not the KKK), there are those who often take things beyond restoring their own cultural identity, and find themselves in an angry place where they completely separate themselves from anyone else. Even within my own peoples, the Latinos, the Xicanos… there is an organizations called Mecha, which pulls for the advancement of all Latinos and Xicanos because of much socio-economic oppression and social injustices that have been had in recent years, as well as throughout history. They’re a good organization with a lot of good goals. My own brother has been involved with the San Antonio Chapter, and many of the others involved are really good people… However, across the country there have been cases of those who have lost sight of Mecha’s true aims and these type of people within Mecha have begun walking down paths of potentially harmful activism. They are the ones who carry the Machismo attitude that says, “I do not need anyone other than my Xicano" And not Chicano with a Ch, but with an X… because for many, there is a great difference.
       To all those offended by my comment from yesterday, please know that this was not my intention at all and I am deeply sorry for poorly communicating. The KKK and the Black Panthers are two remarkably different entities within history. The KKK dealt a great deal of hate crimes and racial oppression, while the Panthers strove to justly respond to this type of oppression.
       I hope, that as a result, many of you will learn my heart for racial reconciliation. It is not my aim to solve anyone else’s problems, only my own. However, I feel that as a brother to all of you, whether you are Latino, Black, White, Native America, or Asian… I should invest my time in creating opportunities for us to dialogue about all of these issues.
       For me, yesterday was a prime example of how I needed those who are different from me. Though I had not intended to, I poorly communicated my message, and with the help of many people (Black, Lebanese, White, Asian, and Latino), I heard the legitimate concerns and fears of many people in this auditorium. Fears and concerns that hurt me because I feared that I had created yet another barrier for all of us... but with the help of my brothers and sisters who were both alike, and different than I am… communication was had and feelings were honestly expressed. For this, I thank you. For without all of you, I would have been ignorant of your needs. Let us continue in the quest for Racial Reconciliation for the sake of the Gospel. God Bless You.

You want to be Significant?

2007-01-15T12:38:00.000-08:00

This is probably my favourite moment in all of Dr. King's speeches. He is addressing the story in the Gospels when James and John secretly go to Jesus and ask him if they can sit on the right and left of Jesus when his Kingdom is established...

"...I want you to see what Jesus was really saying. What was the answer that Jesus gave these men? It's very interesting. One would have thought that Jesus would have condemned them. One would have thought that Jesus would have said, 'You are out of your place. You are selfish. Why would you raise such a question?'

But that isn't what Jesus did; he did something altogether different. He said in substance, 'Oh, I see, you want to be first. You want to be great. You want to be important. You want to be significant. Well, you ought to be. If you're going to be my disciple, you must be.' But he reordered priorities. And he said, 'Yes, don't give up this instinct. It's a good instinct if you use it right. It's a good instinct if you don't distort it and pervert it. Don't give it up. Keep feeling the need for being important. Keep feeling the need for being first. But I want you to be first in love. I want you to be first in moral excellence. I want you to be first in generosity. That is what I want you to do'...

And so Jesus gave us a new norm of greatness. If you want to be important—wonderful. If you want to be recognized—wonderful. If you want to be great—wonderful. But recognize that he who is greatest among you shall be your servant. That's a new definition of greatness.

And this morning, the thing that I like about it: by giving that definition of greatness, it means that everybody can be great, because everybody can serve. You don't have to have a college degree to serve. You don't have to make your subject and your verb agree to serve. You don't have to know about Plato and Aristotle to serve. You don't have to know Einstein's theory of relativity to serve. You don't have to know the second theory of thermodynamics in physics to serve. You only need a heart full of grace, a soul generated by love. And you can be that servant."

Incredible

2007-01-14T23:50:00.000-08:00

I watched Pan's Labyrinth tonight with my friend Jamal and some fellow ACU Students...

Perhaps the best thing about my trip to Austin.

Heartbeat Roughdraft...

2007-01-11T02:03:00.001-08:00

So I came up with a really amateur design for the logo for my non-profit called "Heartbeat"... Feedback would be much appreciated, cause this is definitely not the final product.

Also, if you're interested in using your talents to help me lay some ground work for this project, let me know because I would really appreciate some help...

"Come to the Dark Side..."

2007-01-05T13:30:00.000-08:00

So I went to the movies last night with my mom, my brother, Jennifer, Derran, Peter, and Danny... Yep, a big group. However, the funniest part was when my mom, my brother, and I went to buy the tickets... cause my ghetto side came out and worked out some free tickets.

Here's the Story:

I walk up to the register and there's this asian girl who has just walked up at the same time, and, of course, I let her go first. "I'll take one for 'The Good Shepherd' at 10:45", she says. To which the lady replies, "I'm sorry, but we've decided to cancel that showing so just choose another one and it'll be on the house."

Immediately, I'm thinking, "Free Movies?"

So the girl chooses her movie, and moves out of the way. At this time, my mom and brother walk up behind me (as they were dragging a little behind), unbeknownst to anything other than the fact that we are going to see 'Night at the Museum'.

"Oh man, you are guys are out of 'The Good Shepherd'?" I say. "Yes Sir, sorry about that. Just go ahead and choose another movie and it'll be on the house. In fact, just go ahead and walk in."

"What's going on?" My brother asked.

So I say, "They're out of 'The Good Shepherd', so we're just gonna go and see 'Night at the Museum'."

It's bad, I know...

Things I'd Like to Do This Year

2007-01-04T12:49:00.001-08:00

1.) Write a one-man stage play.

2.) Lay the ground work for a non-profit organization called "Heartbeat" and an Urban Development Fund.

3.) Live in a slum community for seven weeks.

4.) Make the Hip Hop Community even stronger.

5.) Make A's

6.) Get something published.

7.) Last, but not least... Have lots of fun with my Family and Friends.

p.s. I got a new cell phone. It provides treatment for 100 pregnant women to prevent the transmission of HIV from the mothers to the children. It also provides anti-retroviral treatment for one month to a person living with HIV. I am a proud supporter of The Red Campaign.

Happy Christmas

2006-12-24T20:38:00.001-08:00

Happy Christmas

***I'm excited tonight cause there's a pretty awesome play that's supposed to go down in Belton, TX at my friend Brent's House called "The Godly Child". It's a puppet show put on by he and his little sister, but I hear it's supposed to be grand.

***Max Lucado preached at Oak Hills' Westside Campus in San Antonio, and that made me really happy to see a church reaching out to the corners of the city. He told a story about some kids who put on a nativity story a few years back, and it included a hospital room where a Doctor came out from behind a curtain holding a baby and said, "It's a GOD!!!"

I thought that was funny.

***Lastly, a text message that was sent to my brother tonight, "If some guy in red comes into your bedroom, grabs you, and stuffs you in a bag... It's ok, I've asked you for Christmas."

Man, that's kinda creepy, but it would be really funny if that happened.

***I think that I like these two quotes a lot,

"The Son of God became a man to enable men to become the sons of God."
-C.S. Lewis-

"Merry Christmas to All, and to All a Good Night!"
-Santa Claus-

A Redemption of Modern Hip-Hop ("Runaway Love")

2006-12-23T02:19:00.001-08:00

For quite some time, I've been anything but a fan of Ludacris... He's nothing but a bunch of fluff who sometimes makes catchy songs, but songs that nevertheless have nothing important to say outside of the fact that money allows you to buy a lot of things, even sex if you wanted it...

However, I've grown an affiinity for his latest song, "Runaway Love" that he does with Mary J. Blige. I think it speaks some truth, and I feel like that's what Hip Hop is all about-speaking truth about the harsh realities of life that some people are afraid to talk about. I hope that you enjoy it....

My only hope is that he'll continue making music like this. Speaking of a solid Hip-Hop video, here's Tupac's "Brenda's Got a Baby"...

Are You Gay?

2006-12-21T01:42:00.001-08:00

    Yep, that's right. That's the question I've been asked these past couple of weeks. Either someone has asked me directly in some form or fashion, or they've asked someone who knows me whether or not I'm gay and in-turn they come and tell me that someone was wondering whether or not I'm gay. Let me give you the reasons they suspected I was gay...

1.) I had glasses
2.) I had, "you know, kinda messy hair".
3.) I was hanging out with a guy.
4.) I was hanging out with a guy.
5.) I was hanging out with a guy.

    And then there's the reasoning from my father, who predicted when I was younger that I would be gay, that it was because I was into Art and stuff. To his defense, his brother (my uncle) was an Artist and was gay.

Lessons to learn from this in case you don't want people to think you're gay.

1.) Don't wear glasses.
2.) Always make sure to comb your hair.
3.) Don't hang out with a guy.
4.) Don't hang out with a guy.
5.) Don't hang out with a guy.

Yeah, pretty ridiculous huh? This kind of thing would happen the moment that I start dating someone.

    Well let's break it down. Numbers 1 & 2 pretty much defines most people in America. In fact, under those qualifications, you don't have to be a man to qualify for being "gay". Numbers 3 & 4 came from Hostesses at two different restaurants who saw Brent Hines and I hanging out. And finlly, Number 5 was from my new neighbor who saw my brother and I walking into our apt. together and proceeded to tell us about Jesus and how homosexuality was a sin after she found out we weren't in the military together (though she never actually accused us, she just heavily warned us-two young men walking into an apt. together holding dinner for four people-of the perils of being gay).
    In all honesty, I'm not bashing on gay people in this post nor am I ashamed of people thinking that I may be gay as if someone should feel less for having those feelings. It's not my place to judge. However, what bothers me is the irrational fear that people have of someone next to them being gay, much more someone next to them being different than they are.
    This lady, for instance, kept talking about how the Harvest was plentiful and the laborers were few and how we needed to be Harvesting "those types" of people. How we should pray that people be Holy, or they just get out. She said she had prayed that prayer for people in our apt. complex. Among this kind of jargon, I've also heard that scripture thrown out that we are to walk on the Narrow Road of righteousness, where few walk, and not on the Wide Road that leads to Hell, where many are walking through it's gates. I don't know how I feel about these scriptures when people use them in this context...

    First off, it's pretty irrational to bluntly assume that since a guy is hanging out with another guy that he is gay. Maybe if all he did was hang out with guys, but seriously? The first time you see him? Second, wearing glasses and not combing your hair does not make you gay. And hanging out with your brothers doesn't make you gay. It doesn't make you not gay either, it just makes you human. People hang out with men and women. Sometimes I wish people would realize that people are people, and you can't just pin-point a list of qualifications that will automatically stick a person in a certain group of people. Humans just don't work like that.
    And as Christians, we should be more conscious of this idea. How ironic is it for us to say that all of us American Christians are walking on the narrow road? My, I wonder, this is an awfully large road for all of these people to be walking on it. Doesn't being a laborer qualify you to walk on this road? Well, what does that mean to be a laborer? Obviously it implies someone who suffers, someone who is willing to spend months, years, possibly even an entire lifetime seeking one thing: Harvesting a crop. I think this is what Jesus was getting at when he says the Harvest is plentiful. I think what he means is that there are lots of people who are destitute of friendships and relationships. That, in a sense, there is a great poverty of love in this world and we are called to be agents of change in light of this poverty.
    In order to love people, in order to speak truth in their lives, you have got to love them and you have got to suffer and labor in their life because that matters to people... It matters that you would stick out with them through the thick and the thin, that you would be available at 3am to answer an emergency phone call or drive 3 hours out of your way to help someone out. And honestly, I would guess that many Christians don't suspect this is what means to be a laborer/someone who walks on the Narrow Road. Instead, they probably think it means being able to find out who is a sinner and who isn't, and once you do you say a lot of "true" things like, "God loves you and doesn't want you to be this way! You're going to hell, don't you realize God loves you?" Man, that is so detrimental.

That lady told my brother and I that she told one of our neighbors that once she discovered that he was gay. This killed me.

    My Christian Brothers and Sisters, Let us not do this. Let us walk a narrow road that is defined by a labour of love, specifically of loving people even when it hurts (Luke 6). Let us love people who are different from ourselves. Why? Because our world is a world stricken by a poverty of lovely relationships, of healthy relationships and they are desperately in need of those few who are willing to commit to a labour of love. My Brothers and Sisters, Let us be different. Let us, as Oscar Romero would say, "be a better world".

p.s. Jennifer suggested that if no one buys this, I may have to buy in to the crap stereotype of what it means to be straight and take on the "beer chugging" manly man approach so people will believe I'm straight.

I AM A SUPERHERO!!!

2006-12-19T14:21:00.000-08:00

    So I found out that I have Superpowers today. That's right everyone, the rumours are all true and I am, in fact, some sort of Superman... Storytime:

    This morning as I am getting ready to make some eggs, I grab them (with my superhands) out of the fridge and I crack them against the bowl to find... Yes! Exactly! They had boiled inside the shell immediately after I placed my hands on them. I HAVE THE POWER TO HARDBOIL EGGS WITH MY HANDS!!!

    In other news, I went to see "The Pursuit of Happyness" last night. Jennifer came with my mother, my brother, and I to go see it and it was a really good time. Turns out that I'm ok with the title of the movie now, whereas originally I was upset that it was misspelled and it just sounded kinda cheesy... However, now I'm good and I think the movie did a good job of making you understand why its called "The Pursuit of Happyness". Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that it was an amazing movie.
    Also, in the previews, I learned that I couldn't even dream of becoming a real man unless I had kids. Geez, that's gonna be a downer if I never end up getting married or having kids.

Also, for all of you Stephen Colbert Fans out there... Here's a snippit from Merriam Webster's Dictionary Website...

The End Time Blues

2006-12-16T01:37:00.001-08:00

Well it's the end of the semester.

I'm feeling like I've just gotten out of a poool after wearing really thick winter clothing like a sweater or an overcoat or something. I'm not entirely sure why either. I'm done with finals, I'm done with work. I know that when I go home, I won't be working because I don't have a job in San Antonio anymore. All the while, I still feel like I have irons around my rib cage and shoulder blades just pulling me down.

It is moments like this where I wish that I really were Superman, that gravity and anything else wouldn't really affect me. Instead I could just rise above whatever was troubling me and breathe in the atmosphere for a moment. Perhaps while I was growing up, this is what I liked the most about the idea of being a Superhero. I liked thinking that sometimes at night when I was tired from saving the world for so long, that I could take a break and float with my eyes closed until the brush of some solar wind came across my neck and the rays from our sun began to rub against my skin. Too, I liked the idea that while I was up there, I could look down on the world and see what was really wrong or maybe I could listen just a bit closer to the cries of those who felt like I did.

Sometimes I wish that I were a Superhero. For now, I think I'll just be good to my friends and family cause that's the best that I can do. I miss home and I'm really glad I'm going there tomorrow. I'll get to see my mom and my brothers and of course, I'll get to see my niece who calls me all the time and just happens to make my day. I'm not looking forward to the drive, just being there.

Peace.

Secret Santa Tips...

2006-12-09T10:42:00.001-08:00

Just a tip for anyone who may be looking to get me something for a Secret Santa Present (You know who you are)...

I'm really interested in Jay Z's "Kingdom Come" album. That or his "Collision Course" compilation with Linkin Park.

In Fact, here's my entire Wish List on Amazon (Thank you Tripp Page). Anything on there would be awesome...

O Holy Night

2006-12-09T10:41:00.000-08:00

I listened to this over and over again... and cried. And cried and cried and cried. I cried laughing unbelievably hard. I honestly haven't heard anything this funny in a very very long time.

It's one of the most amazingly awful renditions of a christmas song ever.

O Holy Night

Current Status

2006-12-05T21:14:00.000-08:00

I identify with this a lot right now.

A Duet with Ray Charles

2006-12-04T17:20:00.000-08:00

I'd like sometimes to believe that I'll cross that Bridge,
But I've got Georgia on my Mind.
It helps me not that I hear her song everywhere I go,
Because when Georgia sings, I'm lost in Georgia dreams.

Georgia, sweet Georgia,
I've got you on my mind
And I don't know how to get you out.
Someday I'll cross that bridge in Savannah
But for now, when the sun sets low,
I've got Georgia on my mind.

Marvel Fans...

2006-12-04T00:02:00.000-08:00

This made me excited...

The Incident of the Writing on the Truck in the Midnight

2006-12-03T11:29:00.000-08:00

I almost didn't go to church this morning. I had gotten ready, though I woke up a little late, and after I had brushed my teeth and put my hoodie on, I walked outside to find that my truck and my roommate's car had been written on with that window chalk stuff...

Now, you gotta understand folks... This just doesn't happen to me. It happened once a year and half ago (the first of its kind) and I had estimated it would probably be the last time... However!! Let me explain why I almost didn't drive my truck to church...

While my roommates car had messages about his love for Texas all over it (he's from Tennessee), mine had something completely different... Let me map it out for you:

Front Windshield- "I Want the W."
Passenger side Window- "Bringin' Sexy Back"
Back Windshield- "Sex... Yeah..."
Driver side Cab window- "SEX PUP."
Driver side Window (The most awkward of all)- "Matt likes the Sex Crimes."

That's what I woke up to. Now, I'm not upset, though I was little embarrassed driving my truck to church, but the thing is that I have no clues as to who could have done this... Hence, I have no way to get them back. These are my only clues...

1. Their target was me and not my roommates (The person who vandalized my roommates car fessed up at his church this morning and doesn't have any reason whatsoever to do the same to my car.)
2. It looks like Girls' Handwriting.
3. They were in a rush because they left some windows blank and the writing was kind of sloppy. (Maybe it was too cold and they weren't wearing enough jackets or something... I don't know)
4. They must have seen Borat, because from what one of my buddies from church told me, the "Sex Crimes" thing is a quote from Borat.
5. They must have done it between the hours of 2am-8am because 2am is when I got home, and 8am is when I woke up.

So there ya have it. I got pranked, but I have no friggin clue who it is... cause those things could fit a lot of people.

If you have any clues or hints... Let me know.

Let it Snow?

2006-11-29T23:42:00.000-08:00

Call me Crazy... but I don't think my neighbors' Rooftops have been white all year long.

It's Time for a Break

2006-11-22T08:29:00.000-08:00

Here I come San Antonio...

2006-11-20T00:36:00.000-08:00

The Saints are Coming

This is incredible.

I'm Outdated...

2006-11-18T16:23:00.000-08:00

It's true.

I just bought a new MacBook (Apple's latest computer) about a month and a half ago. Guess what?

They just came out with a new one.

Man, technology moves too fast for me.

On the bright side, I was told I could be a good Gryffindor.

PS3's and Hip Hop... and Harry Potter

2006-11-16T23:12:00.000-08:00

***I just have to say it...

I think my roommate is genius.

The dude spent a day and a half in line waiting to buy the small shipment of Playstation 3's that they were selling at Wal-Mart tonight at midnight. He was the first in line. He bought it at it's stock price, and is selling it on ebay for a bagillion dollars because they aren't sending out another shipment of PS3's until March and there are these ridiculously videogame-obsessed people who are willing to pay thousands of dollars for one of these things.

Originally, I thought everyone was kidding with me when they told me where Rance was (for some odd reason, I thought he was just spending the night elsewhere... though now that I think about it, I'm not sure where he would spend the night elsewhere). Needless to say, I didn't really think he was at Wal-Mart for a day and a half waiting in line. Speak of which, get this... a dude paid $1500 for the #2 spot in line right behind Rance.

Unbelieveable... I wish I would of thought of that, fo sho.

***On Another Note... Hip Hop was amazing tonight (awesome discussion with nearly 50-60 people), and the authors Alex Gee and John Teter (at least one of them for sure) will be visiting ACU sometime in February so put it in your planners everyone.

***And speaking of Hip Hop people, David Chisholm seems to be very excited that Harry Potter has released their newest movie poster. I'm not gonna lie, I'm pretty friggin excited too. I wish I could go to Hogwarts.

On Being a Brother's/Sister's Keeper

2006-11-12T21:52:00.000-08:00

People aren't as bad as I make them out to be. I know this in my mind, but yet I feel otherwise.

What I mean is this... So many people tell me "Oh, that person is terrible." and likewise, I tell others, "Well, if you think they're terrible, then you don't know this person here." And so on and so on, the vicious cycle keeps repeating itself. One person is portrayed as evil and the other is good. Now, I don't mean to say that anyone truly means to be a jerk in saying these types of things about this or that person, rather they are just expressing their personal grievances, which is perfectly fine, so long as it is not understood as an absolute about that person. In all honesty, I think that there is truth to a lot of those statements or else they might not exist.However, this is the problem with this...

There is one particular guy who I do not have respect for. I wonder how much he is actually like the way that I portray him to be, or whether or not I have influenced him to be like that because I've constructed that sort of meaning for him. In other words, I wonder if I have shaped any bit of him to be like that because of my initial dislike of him. Ultimately, he will pick and choose who he is, but if enough people are constructing that meaning (shaping that meaning) about who he is, then his options from which to choose who he is becomes somewhat limited. And thus, a system has been put in place to where that one person becomes evil and the others, who are constructing meaning for that one person, become good. In a way, a sort of dialectic is put into play to where I can shape meaning not only for others, but for myself. I set others up to be somewhat evil, and in comparing myself to them, I become somewhat good.

This is a vicious cycle. Because sure someone may do bad to you, but on the other hand you have to wonder they are bad all of the time, in the times when they are not around you. You cannot help but wonder whether when they were young if they dreamed of doing the things that hurt you. I highly doubt that they did, but sometimes I wonder if we create monsters. If we induce their painful behaviour that seems to get on everyone's last nerve or that just crawls under some people's skin.

I am thinking about how Jesus would've approached these types of people.

I can't say he'd approach them in any specific way, but I know something for sure...

He would've done it very differently, and I imagine that person wouldn't be like I've influenced him to be.

Sigur Ros and Hip Hop

2006-11-08T23:15:00.000-08:00

I cannot tell you how young I feel right now. Not young like I'm 60 looking back on my life, but how much like a kid I feel. I feel like a young boy who still has his brown bowl haircut and freckled nose, not yet with glasses, but wishing for sure that one day he would need them because, believe it or not, they were cool in his eyes. It's this music that's doing it to me.

David Chisholm showed me this Sigur Ros video for the song "Hoppipolla" and now anytime I listen to it, I feel like closing my eyes, kicking back, and living in the life of that kid who use to go to Brauchle Elementary.

It's incredible.

P.S. For those in Abilene, watch Channel 7 on Thursday or Friday at around 6:00pm... On one of those nights, a TV show in Abilene is airing an interview they did with me and some people from Jesus and the Hip Hop Prophets.

Be on the lookout.

The English Blues

2006-11-06T23:31:00.000-08:00

How does an Englishman write such good blues? Man, I love Eric Clapton...

Once I lived the life of a millionaire,
Spent all my money, I just did not care.
Took all my friends out for a good time,
Bought bootleg whiskey, champaigne, and wine.

Then I began to fall so low,
Lost all my good friends, I did not have nowhere to go.
I get my hands on a dollar again,
I'm gonna hang on to it till that eagle grins.

'Cause no, no, nobody knows you
When you're down and out.
In your pocket, not one penny,
And as for friends, you don't have any.

When you finally get back up on your feet again,
Everybody wants to be your old long-lost friend.
Said it's might strange, without a doubt,
Nobody knows you when you're down and out.

When you finally get back upon your feet again,
Everybody wants to be your good old long-lost friend.
Said it's mighty strange,
Nobody knows you,
Nobody knows you,
Nobody knows you,
Nobody knows you when you're down and out.

A Dance in the Midnight (An Excerpt)

2006-11-06T16:34:00.000-08:00

    THE WOMAN.
    When I was younger, things were so much sweeter. I had a family that was younger, dogs that were younger, and a home that was younger, and with that youth there was an equal innocence, you know? I had 3 older brothers, my mother, and my father all under the same roof adorned with a sort of freshness that all things newer have. They weren't new to everyone else, of course, but to me they were new. Very New. When I think about yesterday, I have this distinct image painted in my mind. Something like the strokes of a softer and finer brush, with more light and less shade. Something marked by warm and lovely pastels that seemed to have been crushed from the leaves of the Tree of Life itself. It sounds fancy and exaggerated, but when I was younger I felt I had life, and I felt my family had it too. Life... If you let that word roll around in your mind long enough, you start to think about being a child and what it was like when you were a little boy or a little girl and for the moment, as brief as it may be, it's as if you really were that gorgeous Esther who used her beauty and charm to save a nation from being murder, or that Moses who stood in that quiet fire of a cave when God whispered to you that you would save his people with the great "I AM" at your side. For just one moment, you can feel that ambience of value and relationships soaking into your skin and into your bones, and it tastes so good, so God-like. Today, however, I hardly have the time to let that old word sit on my mind long enough. And it makes me sad to say this, but remembering it is becoming more difficult and this, I think, is the thing I fear most. Sometimes I remember it, though. I'll be around the house and I'll be doing a chore or I'll see an old friend of mine or of my parent's and I'll feel it again. It's like cleaning out your closet so you can sell some old goods and you run across a limp and dusted doll sitting behind all of your junk. And in the middle of it all you look at that precious doll, just as old as you are, and you feel it again, haunting you and begging you to be that beautiful little girl or heroic young boy who had such vivid and detailed imaginations. But you sell it anyways. Not because you want to, but because you have to so you can survive and eat another meal...
    I'm not quite sure I've meant to say all of this either and I don't know how I've said all of this. I don't know. I guess you begin talking and what you say escapes your mouth so easily, almost like it should have been said long ago. These days, though, I don't pay much attention to anything. I just try and make it to sundown and to the next morning. Morning,.. That word is all I have now.

The Levels

2006-11-03T14:54:00.000-08:00

Perhaps one of the most disheartening things in life is to be pigeon-holed as a particular type of person. Because in the instant that you have pigeon-holed someone, you immediately limit their ability to be anything else to you. No longer do they have the opportunity to have levels. A level that you can laugh with them on and a level that your brow can be dense because both of you are deep in thought about something the other has said. This idea of seeing levels in someone, it goes beyond just romantic relationships. It is also in common relationships that people find themselves in everyday. For I love to sit with someone who can allow me to laugh in the first 5 minutes and be angry about something in the following 10.

Perhaps, equally, one of the most beautiful things is when someone looks at you and sees levels. They leave you to be somewhat mysterious, and in doing such, they acknowledge that there is much to you to be understood, much to know that they do not already know.

Film Fest 2006

2006-10-30T23:09:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to take this opportunity to remind my ACU friends who support the art, though little it may be, that I create... to vote my video for the people's choice award at Film Fest... If you are interested in doing so, here's the link:

Vote for FilmFest 2006 People's Choice Award

Facebook

2006-10-24T22:24:00.000-08:00

My mom has just joined facebook... I can almost guarantee she'll have more friends than me.

The Boy Who Drank the Ocean Dry (Continued)

2006-10-23T23:23:00.000-08:00

"In a younger month, he unraveled a bit of rope that reminded him much of his grandfather's coarse beard and jumped in the sailboat to push himself away from the dock. "Spring, Sunday Morning, The 15th Year" He dated in his journal and continued writing, "It's half past eight and the clouds are beginning to gather around the sun... It's beginning to look as though someone is shining a flashlight in a dark room. I feel as though the Heavens were spotlighting me for a story." Then he closed his journal and returned his squinting eyes to the skies as drops began letting and longer thunders rumbled. A drop, and then three, and then seven, and eventually it did begin telling him a sad story. What struck him so much was the beauty in the birth of something that seemed terribly tragic, yet unusually pure and lovely. Those bright blue skies undressed themselves to reveal the nakedness of their nature and by the minute the blue bloomed bluer and day daubed dark. This wild feeling began unraveling in the breath from his lungs so violently that he nearly lost conscious during the squall of the storm. And this... this intolerable chill from a volley of rain drops that swam down his spine is what wooed him into beauty so brilliant that he lost all sense of balance and fell face forward into the Ocean. Sinking, and sinking, he felt a warm, tingling flush run throughout the front of his face and then into his chest, all until he could take no more of her beauty and resigned himself to her finish, where his body lay facing the sun and split between two sensations, one submerged and the other surfaced. Then, the Ocean stood still and all became quiet.

This was the day he fell in love.
On a Sailboat's journey during a Sunday morning of Spring in the 15th Year."

Feedback is still appreciated. (It is not over yet... there is still more to go)

The Boy Who Drank the Ocean Dry

2006-10-22T12:20:00.000-08:00

So I've been pretty busy lately, which would account for my blogging absence... one of the reasons I've been busy is because I've been working on rewriting a short story I wrote nearly a year ago. One of my professors has been helping me edit it... anyways, read it and then tell me the good things and then the things that need improvement...

Here's a clip of the rewritten portion (this isn't the entire story):

The Boy Who Drank the Ocean Dry

There once was a boy who drunk the ocean dry.
It was perhaps the most foolish thing this boy could ever have done, for it never made sense. But he loved the ocean and with a passion too. A passion not too different from the way the stars are in love with the midnight. As it was with those diamonds of fire and their fancy to shine against a dark canvas of universe, so it was with this boy and the deeper blues of his Atlantic bride. He was enamored with the way she sang when those lunar tides crashed against the rocks on which his mother's home was built, and it was impossible to escape the way it greeted him in soft blues, quiet roses, and warm oranges as a glowing sun crawled over her and thawed the horizon every morning. "Mother, I love the ocean.” He told his mother. "Oh, my Son,” She said, “What brings you to like it so much?" "Love Mother, not like...” The young boy firmly reminded his mother and then a maturing silence cast itself slowly across the room. He straightened up and time stood still. He had fallen in love with the ocean now and out of it he could not go. His mother’s heart began to hurt for she knew that he was no longer a boy, but a young man, though at this time he had never known tears.

Awkward

2006-10-12T15:17:00.000-08:00

Today was an awkward day... In the literal sense of the word "causing difficulty; hard to do or deal with"

Found out different sides to people I had never quite seen or experienced before, people I thought I knew.

Then to top it off, some police officers thought it was bright to shine flashlights in my face as I was driving by.
I almost hit something because of how bright their lights were, and that really got to me. With my past, it's already difficult for me to love them... and with all of what happened today, it just didn't do me any good to end my evening with their interrogative blinding as I was operating a vehicle.

Who knows what they would have said if I had actually hit something?

Oh well, I need sleep.

On the bright side, the newspaper is doing another Article on Hip Hop Prophets next week... and I'm prolly going home to see my family this weekend.

The Violence of Love

2006-10-09T16:49:00.000-08:00

Oscar Romero, El Salvadorian Archbishop, wrote:

September 4th, 1977
"Each of us has an individual greatness. God would not be our author if we were something worthless. You and I and all of us are worth very much, because we are creatures of God, and God has prodigally given his wonderful gifts to every person. And so the church values human beings and contends for their rights, for their freedom, for their dignity. That is an authentic church endeavor. While human rights are violated, while there are arbitrary arrests, while there are tortures, the church considers itself persecuted, it feels troubled, because the church values human beings and cannot tolerate that an image of God be trampled by persons that become brutalized by trampling on others. The church wants to makr that image beautiful."

September 25th, 1977
"Let us not tire of preaching love;
   it is the force that will overcome the world.
Let us not tire of preaching love.
   Though we see that waves of violence
succeed in drowning the fire of Christian love,
   love must win out; it is the only thing that can."

2006-10-06T11:24:00.000-08:00

Currently Listening
How To Save A Life
By The Fray
see related

"You're beginning to wonder about the time you said you kissed the moon.
You were five and you had curls that were so thick they never fell beneath your shoulders. Your mother said you were a brunette Shirley Temple who loved to dress more like Annie than the actual little actress that everyone loved. You loved the more ragged things that most girls stuffed in their closets. Now, as I look at you, your simpleness and ordinariness have peeled a layer back off of the word beauty and I'm seeing all of what makes the sun rise in the morning."

Dude, I like words. You can do many things with them. My friend Mark Lewis today was telling me that English majors use too many words to describe something simple, and I know he was joking, but man... They give so much meaning and they're so powerful. But the power is with many words. A Word itself does not contain any meaning except if it is accompanied by other words. Pretty vs. the description above about what makes her pretty.

Alright. More to come later.

Updates

2006-09-19T21:27:00.000-08:00

*I got a new bed for dirt cheap (I've been sleeping on the floor since I got to Abilene)

*A bird flew into my chimney today and then it was flying around my house for like 5 minutes

*I bought a new computer (though it's not here yet)

*I'm writing a music video for one of my friends' bands.

*Jesus and the Hip Hop Prophets is going really well. The School newspaper wrote an article about it. Check it out.

*I have stomach problems, real bad ones and I'm going in for tests and stuff.

There's a lot of good stuff happening lately. I'm just trying not to get lost in it.

If you guys could, please pray for my friends Kenneth and Tripp. Kenneth is going through some pretty difficult family stuff and Tripp had his car windows broken into for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Thanks.

2006-09-13T19:54:00.000-08:00

For those of you who haven't heard Derek Webb before... I invite you to listen to his latest album Mockingbird FOR FREE!!!

FREE DEREK WEBB

This guy is a huge influence into my life, so if that means anything and you haven't heard Derek Webb's music, definitely give him a listen...

Besides, what beats free music?

The Abilene Subculture... No, just Culture

2006-09-11T20:25:00.000-08:00

I'm thinking about culture tonight. In Abilene, it's a mix of relationships that all lead to marriage and overwhelmingly positive Christianity filled with language that most people won't admit to not understanding (rather they cheer right along, speaking words that they aren't quite sure what they mean). It's all inspired by churches that exist on almost every corner. This sounds a little harsh, let me explain.

I guess what I'm wondering tonight is why interaction between people is so much different in San Antonio with the schools there than in a place like Abilene, TX. And I guess the most nagging of questions is why do I feel like my mindset changes when I go to Abilene. For instance, in San Antonio when I am hanging out with girls my age, I feel fine without the subconscious question lingering in my mind, "Does she want to be my friend so we'll get married?" Yet. When I come to Abilene, I cannot make eye contact with a girl without second guessing her intentions for looking at me... either that or the most awkward and ashamed of questions, "Could I marry this girl?" God only knows how much I hate that this question floats around in my mind because it wasn't until I came to Abilene that I felt the need to be in a relationship. In high school, it was a rare occasion for me to date or even consider a relationship, instead I was just someone who went on making great friendships with people without ever experiencing the boding sense of a pressured relationship. In fact, even now when I am home with those people (specifically girls) I feel no pressure to be anything but their friend. Yet, with girls from Abilene I feel almost like I am in a war that consists of all kinds of spies and double agents... and you can't be too sure who's on who's side. It is nothing against the girls in Abilene, no this is aimed at the culture Abilene has created for itself. A culture that has billboards for hospitals in Abilene that says, "When it Comes to Babies in Abilene, We Rock" and all on the billboard, babies everywhere... just lots and lots of babies, black babies, brown babies, white babies, you name it, babies everywhere.

Also, Abilene is comprised of a huge dose of Christian Subculture. Christianity encountering Culture looks more like "Simon and Godfunkel" than it does "Simon and Garfunkel", or "N'Christ" than "N'Sync", or "Britney Speaks...about JESUS!" than "Britney Spears"... It's not encountering culture, its substituting comfortable things for the things that bother us in what we term as "secular culture." I sat in on some interviews today where some girls were telling why they wanted to be apart of a certain organization, and they used a lot of fancy Christian terms that sounded really nice. Now, I'm not one to say that they aren't true about those girls, or that those girls don't understand what they are saying... But it makes me skeptical when everyone is saying it, almost in the same sense that I am skeptical about getting married because all of a sudden everyone within 5 miles of my house is doing it. All of a sudden, the thing that seemed to be unique seems like a fleeting fad. I am thinking about David, who wrote many beautiful Psalms that we read in our bibles today. Yet, David was a man who had a number of horrible seasons in his life: adultery, murder, people doubting his abilities, betrayal, all mixed with a few death threats. I mean, life wasn't a basket of lemons and sugar all of the time.... instead it was a sort of somber song that sang to David of tragedy and of appreciating God and his anointing in times of sorrow, regret, and loneliness. This is perhaps, why David is one of my favourite people. Because yeah that language is there, but man that guy knew what he was saying because he felt it. It was boiling in his blood, and was purged by ink on a script and now I read it in my room... but I can't reproduce that just by repeating those same words. No, I've got to feel it and I've got to speak it in my soul and spill it from my tongue.

Don't get me wrong, though, because I love Abilene and through this town I've gotten to know so many people. But in Abilene, it is a temptation to be friendly with people and not really their friend... and how to do that is through pressured relationships and misused language.

"Abilene, Abilene,
Prettiest Town I've Ever Seen."

2006-09-09T11:59:00.000-08:00

Last night I spoke with my friend Grant and he told me of how most people are all just being friendly to one another appeasing each others social needs. It was kind of sad honestly because I think it may be true for some people.

It made me think of this guy I've known who would always tell me he was going to attend this or that or something other of either mine or my friends. Like if one of my friends had a bunch of football games, he would say, "I'll be there," but in all of those he's never shown actually shown up. And honestly that's fine, but I hope what Grant said isn't true about the community I live in as well. I hope that we're all not just appeasing one another's social needs because we think of each other as tools, or idiots who don't have a personality outside of being a social fiend.

I don't think that's why we're made, I think we're made for relationships and I hope we model that everyday... even if we don't intend to be best friends with that person for the rest of our lives, I hope we model to them that people are capable of loving and being honest.

It all begins tomorrow...

2006-09-06T19:11:00.000-08:00

If you have time to pray for me,

please do.

Tomorrow starts 18:38 chapel and "Jesus and the Hip Hop Prophets" and I'm responsible for both of them tomorrow.

Please pray that God would be present at both events and that I wouldn't be afraid to let him work through me.

2006-08-29T19:58:00.000-08:00

Sorry that I haven't been writing lately. I've been busy with school and well writing things that I cannot post publicly because they are more fictional and intended for the use in a possible film for "FilmFest". It's just not good to post stuff that isn't quite finished or polished yet. So... my apologies again, but maybe when it's all said and done, I'll let you read it on here.

Until later, peace to you.

Class Has Begun...

2006-08-28T11:02:00.000-08:00

No Joke... I have a History class with Elizabeth Hurley and Alicia Keys... and in one of my English classes, Miss Texas is in there.

Pretty dang awesome, huh?

Growing Up

2006-08-22T22:35:00.000-08:00

I am 21 today... I also have 40lbs of meat in the refrigerator waiting for a BBQ tomorrow. But there is so much more going on... I am loving life so much right now, but growing up is hard to do.

God I pray that I'm always allowed to wear t-shirts, jeans, and flip-flops.

Looking Back...

2006-08-20T23:34:00.000-08:00

t's here again. Leaving. I'm leaving again. Leaving with new things, new perspectives, newer loves, new relationships, new hurts, new joys, all new... Though they accompany the old. Tomorrow I'll begin my mild journey to Abilene through those quaint West Texas towns who bode nothing but generations, but when I do I think I might cry. This summer has been one of healing, either it has healed or it has begun healing. This is why I think I will cry because I found a lot of beauty in the summer. Mostly in my Mother, who for a long time it was somewhat difficult to relate and understand her. It wasn't that I didn't love her, but I just didn't understand her as much as I would have liked because there were some difficult things for me to understand. But nevertheless, I have begun learning who my mother really is... her strengths, her weakness, ultimately more of the beautiful person that God has made her to be in my life. She has taught me so much about loving, and what it means to do that to people. And it wasn't in a sitdown discussion, or "class", that she taught me this... She just woke up and went about her business the way she normally does, and she talks to me and listens to me. I love my mom, and if I cry tomorrow while driving because of how much beauty I discovered in the summer... I know she'll be crying too.
The most important thing she taught me is to love, and indeed, I am loving. I've fallen in love again, all because of the beauty that I have found in brokenness and vulnerability. It's one of the most naked places to live, but it is the most comfortable and most refreshing when you find it. And honestly, I think that is what God created us to be... Naked. After all, Adam and Eve were created naked and it wasn't until shame came into their lives that they were clothed with animal skins, but now... now we've all been fortunate enough to be blessed by the opportunity of meeting a rugged man who is shameless and without reputation, who sees us... sees me... in all of my shame and while I am weeping, he tells me that he has freed me from hiding in skins of shame. Oh, brokenness. Oh, love. This summer has been good and I will pack it tightly in my heart's memory for the days when I feel like the world couldn't be colder. Thank God for friends and family.

2006-08-17T12:19:00.000-08:00

So Lots of things have been going on lately. Good Things. Like, I'm going to College Station for the weekend, and then I'm going up to Abilene. And though I'll be leaving my family, they're going to see me in Abilene next week so I'm not too sad yet. Then, the concept flyer for Jesus & The Hip Hop Prophets has been completed... Here it is

I really like it, even though it's not finished.

Superman...

2006-08-13T21:31:00.000-08:00

I couldn't fit the code in right, so here's a link to the newest post on my xanga...

My Xanga

Lots to Say and Stephen Colbert

2006-08-11T20:44:00.000-08:00

I've got a lot to write about, lots I've been thinking about... but I'm a little short on time so I've leave you with a video from my favourite comedian/truthiness reporter... Stephen Colbert. This video is when he was invited to speak at the White House Correspondent's Dinner. He was invited as the entertainment for the evening, but he ended up... well, being entertainment, just not for the President.

Part 1 Colbert 2006 White House Correspondents Dinner

2006-08-07T21:18:00.000-08:00

I'm sick of this. Literally. I've been lying in bed since yesterday with a fever and the feeling that I just got in a really horrible fight, but lost very badly. Tonight, I took a thermometer to it for the first time and it was setting at 101.2°. I'd call it the flu, but it's August... and I mean come on, seriously, who gets the flu in August? I don't know. You got me. Anyways, amidst all of this sickness I've had some good time with the family, but I'm missing out on working... which means missing out on money... that I desperately need. Also, I watched some TV. More than usual, though. I saw a preview for a show called The Class on NBC about friends who were friends as kids, but grew up to have some pretty real lives. Like, one guy tries to commit suicide, but fails; another accidentally shoots her boyfriend; one girl marries a great guy; etc. It looks interesting but I prolly won't have time for it.

Ohhh. I just wish I wasn't feeling like I got hit by an 18 wheeler.

With tissue hanging out of my nose,

Matt... and PEACE!

From "Poetic Diction

2006-08-05T00:35:00.000-08:00

'In the dawn of language, speakers did not make a distinction between the "literal" and the "metaphorical", but used words in what might be called a "mythological" manner. For example, nowadays when we translate the Latin spiritus we have to render it either as "spirit" or as "breath" or as "wind" depending on the distinction between these meanings. To them a word like spiritus meant something like "spirit-breath-wind". When the wind blew, it was not merely "like" someone breathing: it was the breath of a god. And when an early speaker talked about his soul spiritus he did not merely mean that it was "like" a breath: it was to him just that, the breath of life.'
-Owen Barfield-

1838, Jesus and the Hip Hop Prophets, and SLC

2006-08-03T20:24:00.000-08:00

For those of you attending ACU this semester, I hope that you plan on checking out the 1838 Chapel. I know that there has been mixed reviews about it, but some of the format of it is changing and I'm telling you... I'm really looking forward to being apart of it. Who knows we may even ask one of you to tell your story. Currently the website isn't updated for it, so I can't give you a reference to check out... but soon I will.

Also, the other thing I'm getting really excited about is "Jesus and the Hip Hop Prophets". I know that a lot of people aren't quite sure what it is, but here's a website for you to check out to learn a little bit more about it. I hope you'll be interested and I hope you'll be blessed.
Jesus and the Hip Hop Prophets

Also make sure you stop by the Spiritual Life Core to check out more of the events going on at ACU this year with the SLC.

Peace.

2006-08-02T02:29:00.000-08:00

"I sat in my window today and wept for little girls who look in their mirrors and see only blemishes, for all the boys who somehow never measure up. I wept for the woman who taught me to believe I was a princess, a child of the King, but who can no longer remember her name."
                                                                         -Janine Morgan-

      I remember having this discussion with Janine. It was in one of our classes that she taught. For those of you who don't know her, she's one of the biggest influences in my life. Outside of being my professor in Oxford, and teaching classes where we discussed the things that inspired her to write the above on her blog, she changed a lot of who I am and how I feel about things. She changed me by always loving on me, and not just me, but everyone else... the thing was she never really asked for anything in return. It was crazy because for the most part I really do not know Janine Morgan save a handful of good conversations and classes that all happened in a matter of four months, and honestly it brought me to tears at one point. It was during the last worship service we had together in Oxford, and Janine and her husband Ron were serving me communion and praying over me while breaking bread with me. I remember she looked at me and just told me how much God loved me and how much he was looking out for me and planning great things. I couldn't stand that. I ended up crying and it's really hard to explain but there's something about the way Janine loved people that just killed me. She would know all of the stupid stuff that they've done, and she would just smile at them and tell them that she loved them and that God loved them... outside of that, there was nothing. No "but", no guilt trip, no favors to be had in return for her grace. Just love, pure love. And it's bothering me tonight. It's bothering me so much that I've almost cried again.
    It's bothering me because I'm trying to do that, but it's hard. It's so hard to love people and not get hurt. It's not that you're ignorant and you're helplessly being taken advantage, in fact it's the quite opposite. You're not ignorant and you've given yourself over to grace, which in some people's eyes is "being taken advantage of". I'm not going to go into any details about what has inspired this post, but I sat in my car today and now I'm sitting at my computer fighting this warm, flush feeling in my chest that runs up to my face and begins to well my eyes. I'm hurting because I know people around me who, I don't know... I guess in some ways they don't feel they are pretty enough or that they measure up. They may not say that, but their actions and their eyes tell you that. I don't know, I think what's killing me is that when I was little, the girls I knew told me different stories, ones about things they wanted to do when they had grown up... and now all of them that I hear are ones about things they've done (or have been done to them) while growing up. The ones now aren't as bright, instead they're more real. And the guys, well when we were kids they never said the things they said now. Alot, in some sense or another, had dreams of being everyone's hero, even if it meant being a garbagemen or driving a big red truck. Now, most have compromised them for pleasure. And I don't know, it just kills me.

It was said this man was of no reputation
Yet He could stop the rising storm
With a gesture of His hand
But He chose to use His hands to heal
Hearts of darkness, hearts of stone
Just like mine would be revealed

...One day soon the gates of heaven will open wide
And the Prince of Peace will come back for His bride
But for now we live on these streets
Forbidding and tough

Where push always comes to shove
And it's said love's never enough
Where a prophet in rags gives hope to a fearful world
No injustice, no heart of darkness
Will keep this voice from being heard

He was a man of no reputation
And by the wise, considered a fool
When He spoke about faith and forgiveness
In a time when the strongest arms ruled

But this man of no reputation
Loves us all with relentless affection
And He loves all those poor in spirit, come as you are
To the man of no reputation

-Rich Mulllins-

I met a girl tonight and she was beautiful, but I'm afraid that all she thought was that she was attractive. It really broke my heart, even as much as I didn't know her and she didn't know me. She was so much more, but I don't know if she knew that. And what's worse is that she's not the only one.

"Someone's waiting to put wings upon your flightless heart. You're on the verge of a miracle standing there just waiting to be believed in. Open your eyes and see."

Women...

2006-07-31T21:06:00.000-08:00

I do not understand them...

I just had to say that tonight.

Everybody's Talkin' Bout Goin' To Heaven...

2006-07-30T01:14:00.000-08:00

Here is a survey that I would like everyone's input on...

What is the point of Christianity?

Whether you consider yourself a Christian or not, I would like to know what you think the ultimate point of being a Christian is and I would also like to know where you got that idea from.

Again, I really would like everyone's input on this subject.

Peace.

Verses for Kentucky

2006-07-28T23:50:00.000-08:00

Walk those streets, sweetest Sandra
And don't let London be so cold
To you on Tuesday when the sun isn't shining,
Just wait for the Sun's Day, and there you will find your soul.

It's waiting in a dress made of scarlet,
and it doesn't taste anything like light.
Just on the other hand of the shadows,
It's the one that is promising a fight.

So let loose on the Sun's Day Sandra, and give way to the war
Or you'll be lost in your shadows that are waiting behind the door.

Cleveland Heep

2006-07-25T22:42:00.000-08:00

What is it about revealing brokenness that makes things change?

      I've really been haunted by the latter part of this question. Revealing brokenness is somewhat easy for me if someone really wants me to... Well maybe to an extent. This is something I've noticed though: that ever since I revealed my struggles with pornography and some other things (revealed in conversations with people I've had recently), the people around me are changing and things are changing. More and more people are telling me things they've never been comfortable telling most people before. And it's making my heart break. I won't lie to you about my struggle, because I've looked at pornography in some of my downest moments this week... but I've had several people tell me things (and several people who are wanting to tell me things) and hearing several of these things are making it harder for me to keep going back to my sin. I feel like the dog who keeps returning to his vomit, only it's like something is awakening me to the taste of it.
      It seems lately that my relationships have birthed a taste for vomit that my soul has never known before. Relationships are that valuable if they are open and honest, they start sharpening each other. In the midst of all my sin, there are these people who just show up in my life and reveal to me their brokennes and as a result, my empathy begins to extend itself far beyond my sinful voracity. It's not comfortable either because I feel like worlds are shifting inside of me, I feel like a fault is being created. In all honesty, I feel like I'm becoming more emotional.
      The difficult in that is that I've cried about seven times since the summer of 99'. Give or take one cry, I've cried about seven times. Now, I've gotten teary eyed over some things, but I've only cried about seven times.
      I was watching Lady in The Water tonight and Paul Giamatti's character has this scene where he reveals to the community some very hidden things about his life. He reveals them in sort of a prayer before the community, and it is because of this revealing of brokenness that Story (the Lady in the Water) is healed of her wounds and, in turn, is able to achieve her destiny. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that that if we reveal our wounds, we'll automatically achieve our destiny... but I think what I am saying is that if revealing our wounds brings a sort of healing to our neighbors.
      Sometimes I feel like everyone is holding their breath until their blue in the face, and then after that until they die. Everyone, for some odd reason, believes this is how things should be if you're human. You just hold your breath until you die and you never really take in fresh oxygen and release the old used up air that's been filtered in your lungs. All the while, no one has actually let go of their breath and people are dropping like flies, but then a few people decide their not going to die from lack of oxygen... so they breathe. A few other people realize it's probably a good idea to exhale and inhale some fresh air again, and after a little while everyone kind of understands that what we're meant to do is to take in new air and let out the old. Everyone starts to understand too that what kills us is holding in all of the bad stuff. Breathing is essentially what grace is, we let out all of the bad unusable things from our lungs and then we take in fresh air that, when broken down in some sort of complicated biochemical process, gives us life.
      My God it hurts to breathe. But I pray you do. I pray you let it down, if not for just your sake, but for your friends' sake. You won't believe what kind of atmospheres you'll breathe in. You'll still let out bad things, but we're human and we can't help but do that.

What's Goin' On...

2006-07-24T22:47:00.000-08:00

***So I've been considerably sick lately... been having some stomach problems and I had some tests run on me last week, and I get the results this week. My suspicion is an ulcer, but who knows? Hope it's all good.

***I got a credit card... Yikes.

***I cleaned my truck... Probably a good thing.

***Had three really good conversations with three really good people: Jeff Brooks, Matt Hoffman, and Jason Vick. Each of them lend an extreme blessing to my life.

***Took my mom out to eat with my bro at La Madeline (sp?...who knows?)

***Bought a Sufjan Stevens CD (Illnoise)

***Got a Brand New Cell Phone that I don't really no how to use cause they forgot to give me a manual with it. My old phone broke so they ordered some fancy one that's a little too much for me, but whatevah just so long as I can call peoples.

***I've been sleeping a lot too.

Just so you know, the blog might be silent for a little while. I'm doing more reading than writing right now.

Vulnerability

2006-07-20T23:31:00.000-08:00

I had to write this essay once for a bible class about what character in the gospels I associated myself with the best. I chose a prostitute. Specifically, the Woman of John 8.

Today, I know even moreso why I chose this because in many ways I am very much like a whore. I messed up today, and I knew I was messing up... Don't get me wrong, I'm not giving up, it's just that at times you become very weak and you give in, and you know you're giving in and you hate it... It's like that whole Paul thing in Romans 7 all over again. It makes me wonder that even though he wrote it once, he might have thought that over and over again in his head or maybe he told it to people more than once whenever he preached. If you don't know what one of the fathers of Christianity dealt with, here is a taste:

"I don't understand myself at all, for I really want to do what is right, but I don't do it. Instead, I do the very thing I hate. I know perfectly well that what I am doing is wrong, and my bad conscience shows that I agree that the law is good. But I can't help myself, because it is sin inside me that makes me do these evil things.

    I know I am rotten through and through so far as my old sinful nature is concerned. No matter which way I turn, I can't make myself do right. I want to, but I can't. When I want to do good, I don't. And when I try not to do wrong, I do it anyway. But if I am doing what I don't want to do, I am not really the one doing it; the sin within me is doing it."                             -Paul-

      I think he and I could have roomed together because I feel like that a lot of times and I think we would've understood each other. Because this is definitely not what I want, but it's what I did. I mean, I'm writing about all of this as a means of accountability. I'm making myself very vulnerable to you who read this so that I'm challenged to not have every post about how much I screwed up. So that when you walk up to me, there's a good chance that whoever you are, you might know what I've done and I'll know that. I don't want to make this long, but before I close I want to finish with the rest of what Paul said and then some lyrics from Derek Webb...

"It seems to be a fact of life that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. I love God's law with all my heart. But there is another law at work within me that is at war with my mind. This law wins the fight and makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin?Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord."
                                                           -Paul-

An excerpt from "Wedding Dress":

"So could you love this bastard child,
Though I don’t trust you to provide?
With one hand in a pot of gold
and with the other in your side?

I am so easily satisfied
by the call of lovers so less wild,
That I would take a little cash
Over your very flesh and blood.

I am a whore I do confess
But I put you on just like a wedding dress
and I run down the aisle,
and I run down the aisle.
I’m a prodigal with no way home
but I put you on just like a ring of gold
and I run down the aisle to you."

Confession: Shooting Shotguns

2006-07-18T23:44:00.000-08:00

Do you think Jesus would hide anything about himself from anyone?

      I started thinking about this tonight while my brother and I were buying some medicine and breakfast items for my mother at Walgreens. We were waiting in the line to check out and this man who is obviously obese begins to speak to me,

      "That stuff's real good for you, you know?"

      He was making reference to my oatmeal and raisins. He went on about how it was healthy, so I told him my mom was a health nut and she was always buying healthy things. He also went on about how that and fruit was really good for my health. Now, some who are more cynical or possibly ordinary may think, "An overweight man telling me about being healthy? Sure." Well maybe. There's always people who could take their own advice, like me for the longest time. The truth was though that this guy wasn't like this at all. In fact, at the beginning of the conversation I was sort annoyed by someone talking to me in the store and even more that it was small talk. Then something hit me... a baseball bat. Not really, but it had about the same effect.
      Like I said, he was going on talking about how healthy things were and what they did for you. Then all of a sudden he started talking about how eating all of these things helped him lose 68lbs, but he was also taking some medicine which made him gain it all back. He said that recently he's lost 50lbs again, and his doctor often checks up on him. He kept talking about how much progress he was making and how he didn't like all of his weight, but that he was fighting it. Man. Immediately I thought of myself and my porn addiction. Because in all of his tellings to me about how much progress he made, he wasn't just giving me information but he wanted me to validate his progress. He wanted me to know he was trying to change something about his life that he knew wasn't good. I honestly wanted to listen to him more than the amount of time it takes to wait in line, but he politely returned my attention to the cashier by reminding me that I was next in line.

      Recently, I confessed to everyone about my porn addiction. I had to because it was killing me and since that time I've only thought about looking at porn less than a handful of times. I still have displeasing thoughts about say, a woman who bends in front of me wearing scantily clad clothing (Remember I work at a restaurant where people are dressed in a variety of ways... some modest, and some not so modest.) I think it's alright that physically my body reacts to seeing a woman like that. Tony Campolo once said this , "If a pretty girl walks by and you don't feel some sort of excitement as a guy, it's not because your really good at being Christian, it's because you're dead." However, since that time I haven't visited a website like that. I've not really been tempted to go online and spend that amount of time doing that. I'm not saying this temptation won't come again, but confessing to the world (xanga and blogspot) has done me a lot of good. I've received a lot of good feedback from people about it. Some have given me encouragement, some have told me they are fighting to, and some people have begun telling me about things they've never told anyone. I won't betray their trust in this post, but I do have some things to say about confession.

      That guy tonight confessed to me. He told me had a problem. And when I left the register with my oatmeal and raisins that he praised so much, I was sad to leave him because I hope that he has someone who is constantly encouraging him and letting him fight, who is pushing him to fight. I hope he tells everyone, so that he can find that help from anywhere and everywhere. You know, alot of times I hear people say that they have people they tell but they don't feel the need to tell everyone. And I understand for the most part because there are certain things about me that I don't tell to just anyone (simply because those things are not killing me like pornography has begun to). But I think sometimes the things in our lives become so Taboo and untellable because we've made them taboo and untellable. Pornography, for instance. You wouldn't believe the people who told me they struggled with it in the past few days. It's really common, but everybody struggles with it. And the truth is that everybody needs help. Everybody needs help, but everybody wants to keep it a secret that they need help. But why not tell everyone? Why not let everyone see you in all of your brokenness so that they may hold you accountable and help you out? I think of it like this...

      When you go quail hunting, you do not use a single fire rifle or your chances of bagging your bird is not going to happen. That's why people use shotguns because they know that shotgun shells spread out little pellets that fly everywhere in a given area, and thus their chances of hitting a bird are increased. They have more of a promise of getting what they need. In the same way, if we shoot at our sin and addictions and dark places with the help of a single confidant or friend, that is a lot of weight to put on them and we cannot rely on them all of the time. But if you put your sin on the line in front of everyone, you have a better chance of getting a mass support group who helps you with what you need.
      I think, too, about Jesus and whether or not he would hide anything from us. I know that Jesus didn't sin, but it is no doubt that he struggled. Jesus does a lot of talking about sin though, and amidst his discussions on this he says, "I tell you the truth, whatever you bind on earth will bebound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will beloosed in heaven" (Matt 18). And what an odd thing to say to, because in a way it is as if the things we do here have some sort of effect on our afterlife. That possibly if I bind myself to pornography, that for the rest of eternity I will be bound by some addiction, or if I loose myself from it (by confessing it and getting it out in front of everyon in an attempt to get help) then I will have loosed my self from any addiction in eternity. For more thoughts about this, read C.S. Lewis' The Great Divorce.

What I'm trying to say is that our secret sins hurt us, and they eat at us. We try to fight it by telling one or two people, but in essence it is still a secret. This, I believe, is a cliche idea of what confession is. I think it is good to start with one or two people, but eventually we must expose it to the world and let it be our testimony. I know it's shameful, it really is... I know this. But is telling a couple of people about your sin really giving you a great chance to overcome it? I mean, if we can break the secret of sin, and fight it by exposing our darkness to as much light as possible... then the darkness will surely flee. We must loose ourselves. We must eventually tell everyone and expose our secrets, or they will surely kill us.
Equally, those of us who hear this confession must listen intently to the pains and sentences that these people are serving. Everyone at one time lives in a prison, it's just that their bars are made up of different materials. And those of us outside of those bars must fight to free them. It is our duty,

"Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, 'Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?'

Jesus answered, 'I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.'^" -Jesus-

I leave you with this thought:

"For sin shall not be your master, because you are not under law, but under grace."
-Paul to the Romans-

Ultrasounds and Fluoroscopies

2006-07-17T12:09:00.000-08:00

So I've been having stomach problems lately and the doctor says I need to get an Abdominal Ultrasound and an Upper GI Fluroscopy, but the only problem is I don't have enough money to pay for it all. They said tomorrow all I have to pay is $50 when I go in. Does anyone care to donate and help me out. It's going to cost around $250 total, but I've already got a load of bills I'm working on paying off so if anyone cares to donate, man that would really help and if you need verification of my bills, I can fax you a copy if you give me a fax number. Thanks.

What Comes With Being Naked

2006-07-13T23:20:00.000-08:00

"For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it. What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul?"
-Jesus-

Just so you know, this post is not intended to be preachy in anyway. It's solely for your benefit, and it is solely about me.

In 17 days, it will have marked 8 years from the day I committed my life to Jesus Christ. I've changed a lot since then, some for the good and some for the better. Some of those changes I had control over and some of those I could never have had the slightest clue that they were going to happen. There are several things that have happened since that day, among those are these:

      *I dated a girl.
      *I've been shot at in a drive by.
      *I've moved homes in San Antonio twice.
      *I made quite a few very close friends.
      *I lost a good friend named Jonathan Varner to a car accident.
      *My Father abandoned me and the rest of my family. I haven't seen him since.
      *A Swat Team raided my house.
      *I fell in love with a girl.
      *I founded my own ministry.
      *I've spoken at churches, and a youth retreat.
      *I've had tea with Dallas Willard.
      *I've experienced heartache.
      *I've studied abroad in England, and traveled Europe.
      *I've performed in front of an audience of 2,000 people.
      *I've interned at a church as a high school youth intern.
      *I worked at Whataburger and Sea World.
      *Now, I'm working at Pappasitos.

      These are a lot of things.Among those things are situations that involve me trusting people, and people trusting me. When I fell in love with a girl, I trusted her with a portion of my emotional health. When I was given the opportunity to found my own ministry, to speak at a youth retreat, and to internship for 3 months at a church as their high school youth intern, they trusted me with a certain level of integrity and responsibility.

In fact, some of you may have trusted me with lots of things. This is primarily why I'm writing this.

You see, among all of these things I've done since I've begun following Jesus, I haven't mentioned one. In fact, I don't really mention it much because I've been somewhat afraid. I've been afraid to hurt you, with whatever any of you had trusted me with. But I've been reading about some things, and as I was reading tonight and meditating over some things, I was convicted to do this. I've told certain people who need to know about this already, but then there are many people who I just couldn't tell. However, I often talk about being naked and I often quote Derek Webb about being exposed in front of everyone. I realize that the venue here is a little limited (as there's only a handful of people that probably read this blog), but I want to be transparent about who I am with as many people as I can be. And if all I do for the rest of my life is tell you that I want to be transparent and naked about who I am with you, then all I would have done is talked a lot and never have become see through to you. So I will tell you this thing and expose to you more about me in hopes that I will have nothing to hide behind anymore except Jesus.

This thing is pornography. For the last 4 years I've been in somewhat of an affair with pornography. I've struggled many times to not look at it, but then other times I have gone looking for it as relief. It has become the thorn in my side that I've wanted never to have, but always end up fostering. I've gone for about a month or two during this time period of not looking at it, but then there have been times where I have not gone a day without looking at it.

      The truth is that it's killing me. It's stolen a lot of my joy, and it's robbed me of a lot of intimacy that I should've had and should've let others have (of me) in my relationships with all of my friends and family. I've become somewhat of a prisoner to it, and after spending years alone (because I've never fully exposed it to a large group of people) I've suffered in this hell for years. I thought I could shake it by myself, or by asking a few people to pray for me every now and then, but it has become a leach latched onto my soul. It's become the enemy of my integrity and it indeed has turned my heart and character into a third world emotional waste land.

      For those of you who I ministered to, do not think I wasn't suffering from this while I ministered to you. Because I did. And I'm sorry. I really am. Please know that I never intended to hurt you or betray your trust. I guess that essentially I've just taken myself down a notch, and in all honesty I feel like this is what God is leading me to. Jesus has asked me to cut off the very thing that has caused me to sin. And I could say computers and magazines and tv, but I don't think that is entirely true. Instead, I think what is killing me is keeping it a secret. So I'm cutting off my secrets and telling you that for the past 4 years I've been a porn addict.

      Soon, I'll be leading two ministries and I don't know what effect this will have on those two ministries. In all honesty, this may terminate me from those positions and that's fine because I'd rather lose everything I had to get my soul back. I'd rather stick with the commitment I made nearly 8 years ago than to be married to the appearance of that commitment in the form of a variety of Christian leadership positions. As Reliant K says, "Who I am Hates Who I've Been"... and I can't stay this way forever.

      To those of you that read this post fully, thanks and know that I really am sorry. Right now, I've only begun to realize the effect this addiction has had on my life, but now that I know what kind of toll it is taxing on my life here and in the future, I will not be bound to it anymore. It is a threat to both my relationships with people and my ministry. So if you see me, or talk to me online, or whatever... Please do not be afraid to ask me, "Hey, how is your integrity?"

It's one of the biggest helps you could ever give me. Well there you have it, my name is Matt Worthington and for the last four years I've been a porn addict. I'm sorry for falling into that sin, and I wish I would've realized it sooner. I'm even sorrier if this has damaged any trust with you that I once had, but I would rather be an honest servant than a superficial leader.

These are the cuts and gashes in my character, but I am praying that someday light will shine through the cracks and holes in this jar of clay.

"Tuesday Night at the Bible Study, We Prayed over Your Body, but Nothing Ever Happened."

2006-07-13T01:17:00.000-08:00

      I clicked on a tag from Mike Cope's blog about Donald Miller tonight and I came across a blog post connected to that tag entitled "Laughter is the Best Medicine". I've heard that many times since I was a boy, but lately it hasn't been such a cure all for me.

      For instance, last night I was invited for the first time to hang out with some of my co-workers from Pappasitos who enjoy drinking and smoking. They were also playing poker, but while I was there I just kinda noticed how almost everyone was drinking and smoking to enjoy themselves. After one refusal to smoke with them, they let me and my chip stack alone.
      I was hanging out also with a girl friend of mine who likes to laugh a lot, and she has reason to because she's very funny and entertaining, but I admit that I wasn't laughing or being nearly as entertaining as she. And I think sometimes this can be a bummer to some people. I mean lately, I've just been more quiet and for whatever reason I'm not entirely sure, but the truth is I've just been not as "happy" as everyone else. I've just been really calm, quiet, and reserved around people. Is that okay though?

      I guess what ultimately kills me is just how much everyone pursues happiness. Some people chase it and they then they call their pursuit Christianity. But I just don't know if I agree with that. I mean, yes I understand that Joy is one of the fruits of the Spirit, but I can point out to you several different times in the life of Jesus where he was suffering (and No, I'm not just talking about the Passion Week, aka: the last week of Jesus' life).

      Drinking isn't bad, but drinking to be happy or to have a good time makes me hurt for people. Praying isn't bad, but praying to be happy makes me hurt for people. Relationships aren't bad, but being in a relationship to be happy makes me hurt for people. This is what the writer of Ecclesiastes says about being happy,

"I thought in my heart, 'Come now, I will test you with pleasure to find out what is good.' But that also proved to be meaningless. 'Laughter,' I said, 'is foolish. And what does pleasure accomplish?'"

It's not that I'm not an advocate of being happy because I love good times, but I guess when happy becomes a drug for the problems that are demanding our attention, that's when I have a problem. And so I think, which is better? To be happy or to have sorrow in your life. The write of Ecclesiastes says in Chapter 7 that a sad face is what is good for the heart. This is contrary to what most people believe. And I've heard a lot of people say that things out of the Old Testament aren't as valid because of the New Testament. I think those people don't understand the purpose of scripture in the least bit. However, in the New Testament Jesus understood sadness and he himself spoke frequently of this,

    "What sorrows await you who are rich,
       for you have your only happiness now.
    What sorrows await you who are satisfied and prosperous now,
       for a time of awful hunger is before you.
    What sorrows await you who laugh carelessly,
       for your laughing will turn to mourning and sorrow.
    What sorrows await you who are praised by the crowds,
       for their ancestors also praised false prophets."
                                                               -From Luke 6-

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."
-From John 14-

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."
-From John 16-

So the writer of Ecclesiastes says Happiness is a foolish pursuit. He says also in chapter 7 that sorrow is what is good for the heart. Jesus woes those who are happy and laughing now and in chapter 6 of Luke, he also blesses those who have sadness now. He tells people he wants them to have peace, but his peace is not like the world gives. Yet, we will still have troubles. Are we to be sad?

I listened to a sermon the other day where the preacher said we should be, and I just couldn't agree with him. Just like I couldn't agree with the statement that "Laughter is the Best Medicine".

What do you think?

Austin in August

2006-07-11T00:10:00.000-08:00

"So don't get tired of doing what is good. Don't get discouraged and give up, for we will reap a harvest of blessing at the appropriate time." -Paul to the Galatians-

      I was reading Galatians today because one of my very old pastor friends challenged me with this verse. Lately, I've been struggling with some things that I knew he himself had battled and in lieu of our conversation he gave me this verse and said this was the verse that saturated his mind throughout his entire ordeal. I only read the book once over today, but I noticed some similarities between the Galatians and myself, and all the same I was warmed with some very challenging ideas that Paul gave the Galatians.

      I've always said that one of the hardest things is to be human. Something even harder, as I've been reading this book by Pete Scazzero (The Emotionally Healthy Church), is to be an emotionally healthy human and ultimately I think what that requires is being transparent about who we are. You see, the Galatians had some problems because they were trying to live a double standard. One set up by Christians who were proclaiming that you were a good person according to how much you obeyed the law in a legalistic manner, and the other by those Christians like Paul, and the rest of the Twelve Apostles (post Jesus' death), who said you were a good person based on whether or not you had faith in the belief that Christ died for your sins and you were free because of this . Anywho, I think that's enough Bible terms for this paragraph. Let me break it down a little bit.

      Paul was writing to the Galatians saying,
      "Listen, you guys are so mixed up because you're doing good things only because you believe that these good things are making you pleasing to God. All the while doing these good things, you're living a double life with quarrels and bickering among each other, which is not really pleasing to God at all. The truth of the matter is that you're trying to decrease your sin by subscribing to the law, though you believe this is making you a better Christian. But by decreasing your sin, you are decreasing your saviour and that is leading you to a lifeless Spirituality. Let your sin be great, and admit that it is great, and only then will your Saviour be great also, and you will experience true freedom in Christ.
      Now, continue to do these good things that you do, because some of them are very admirable, but do not forget that Christ is the one who saves you. Do not forget the Gospel that has been preached to you thus far, that Christ, and Christ alone frees us from our broken condition."

      I understand this is not the best paraphrase of the book of Galatians, but I believe that essentially this is what is saying to the Galatians. The Galatians are these good people who do great things, but all the while they live with sin they do not fess up to because they believe that by subscribing to a legalistic lifestyle (one that is dominated by rules and tick lists), and in doing so, they've blinded themselves to their sin. What Paul was pointing out to them is that they have sin in their lives, and they need to let themselves be freed of sin by the Holy Spirit which comes through faith in the power of Jesus Christ. Man, this is sounding Churchy again, but this is what Paul is saying.

      And when I think about this in my own life, in my situation where I am swimming upstream trying to climb back up the water fall, all the way to the mountain where you are able to see the rest of the forest. I think I have blinded myself to some of my sin, and I think that possibly some people around me have done the same as well. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that several of us have these white, milky scales resting over our cornea that do not allow us to see the things in our lives that are truly a threat to us. And when I say threat, I'm not talking about any political group, liberals, or homosexuals... please God, don't let anyone take that from this post.What I'm talking about are those things in our lives we are afraid to be transparent about. Those things in our lives that we would prefer to wall in with tinted windows. Those things that we are ashamed and try to convince ourselves that by busying ourselves with enough good, Godly duties, that they will have mended themselves.
      It's taken me awhile, but I think I'm beginning to peel those milky white flakes and slivers off of my eyeballs and see what is posing a threat to me. In lieu of seeing this, I will soon become more transparent about the things in my life. Things that will possibly make you uncomfortable, things that will make you see me in a different light. But ultimately, you see me for who I really am and you will see me as someone who is truly in need of a saviour. And well, as Derek Webb says, "...that's all I've really got anyway."

And now, a few words from Derek Webb:

"The best thing that could ever happen to anyone is that your deepest, darkest, most embarrassing sin, the one you work the hardest to hide... would literally be be broadcast on the 5 o'clock news. The best thing that could ever happen... Because I'm so weary, so tired of hiding my sin from people, of decieving them about who I really am. I'm tired of it. I just wish my sins would just be exposed. I wish there were huge screens that would just show you the truth about me... all the way down to my core. In order that you would know me for who I really was, in order that I would not... could not have the option to hide from you anymore. In order that I would have nothing but Jesus to grab onto, cause' the truth is that's all I've got anyways."

Be Broadcast. Peace!

What Darkness Really Is (From Oxford)

2006-07-06T00:45:00.000-08:00

    The most important thing that has stuck out in my mind happened at the very beginning of the semester when I visited St. Andrews. I remember being extremely zoned out during the service because it was one of my first weeks here and I was somewhat depressed by the fact I was stuck in such a depressing climate as Oxford. That sounds harsh I’m sure, but that was true for me back then.
    Anyways, I was sitting there extremely disconnected with the service. In fact, I remember thinking to myself how English preachers should pep up their stories a little bit and how it would’ve behooved them if they had let someone like myself give a workshop on storytelling. I still feel like that, but that’s beside the point. As the sermon began closing up, I saw the youth of the congregation began lining the sides of the pews, and some in front of the pews as well. Then suddenly, the lights went black, and I was thrown off quite a bit. I immediately wondered if the power had gone out or if the world was ending, especially considering the dark climates of Oxford city, but then I heard a voice.
      It was the voice of one of their youths, a real soft spoken and pure voice who began praying for the world that we lived in. This pure voiced boy spoke generally about pain and suffering that occurred in the dark world that we live in. The lights were still off as he said this. Then a match was struck, and a young girl spoke saying that Jesus was the Light of hope in our world. This sounds weird, but if you could’ve seen that match being lit in such a dark cathedral, you would’ve really believed that Jesus was manifest in that tiny little flame.
    At this point, the prayers became less informative to the congregation, and they became more personal and directed towards God. One by one, the young children who lined the pews began lighting their candles, each representing Jesus in a different dark place of the world. “Jesus, Light of the World, shine in Iraq as loved ones, both those we know and those we do not know, lose their lives to fight a war that we pray is not in vain.” “Jesus Light of the World, please shine in the lives of the motherless and the fatherless, showing them that though they have no earthly parents, you are still ever present in their lives.” “Jesus Light of the World, please shine…” And so on and so on. About Iraq, about bombings, about AIDS in Africa, about the fatherless and motherless, about the rejected and humiliated, about the homeless and the loveless. And little by little, each candle began casting vignettes of light against the dark corners of the cathedral, showing the walls of the church in a dim, yet brightening and warming glow.
    I had never been apart of something so hopeful. Before that prayer I was totally disconnected, and stuck in this selfish little box where I complained about how dark my life was and how Oxford didn’t help that. For that hour, I was so disinterested in Andrew, Clarke, the Preacher, the people sitting next to us, and all of a sudden it became interrupted. As if my life couldn’t have been darker, all the lights were shut off and I saw what true darkness was in my problems. The true darkness was attitudes like I had, selfish attitudes that weren’t focused on the poverty stricken, the fatherless, the hungry, the diseased, the hurt, the loveless, friendless, and lonely. I wanted to cry, but I couldn’t. I mean I knew all of that stuff went on in my life, but at that point it became very clear to me that something bigger was going on around me and apparently, that something was becoming less and less about me.

Houston... and C.S. Lewis

2006-07-03T12:52:00.000-08:00

So I decided to be really spontaneous yesterday and drive to Houston. I had a friend who was leaving to Germany for seven weeks and I hadn't seen her in a long time so I decided to try and make it before she left. Sadly, I didn't make it and I missed her by a matter of 5 MINUTES!!!! Can you believe that? Yeah, me neither. Maybe I'll have the time and money to catch her when she comes back.

      However, I still had a lot of fun. I stayed the night with one of my best friend's family and they treated me to some good stew and good conversation. Then after a couple of hours of conversation with them, I headed out to starbucks to relax and read whatever book was in my car... Sadly (again) enough, it was C.S. Lewis' Mere Christianity. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't dislike the guy... but I just really didn't want to read him for the next 3 years because during my semester in Oxford, I took a course where all I read was C.S. Lewis. And I don't care who you are, once you like abunch of books from the same guy in a short period of time and every other day you talk about what you read... You get bored. But since I had no other book that was entertaining (the only other one was The Gospel of Judas which I wasn't in the mood for), I read C.S. Lewis.
      Thankfully, though, I was distracted by the conversation of two extremely loud girls sitting next to me who were arguing what to name their children (I'm not sure but I think one of them had just found out she was pregnant). The Girl who was choosing the names mentioned to her friend something about naming her kid "Houston", but the other said you can't do that cause you don't name kids after cities. So the first girl replied, "Well what about Austin?" and on and on... Then there was talk about naming him "The Bronx" and "Tallahassee" (spelling??) and so on and so on... Needless to say, it was pretty funny because it lasted for like 20 minutes and they began appealing to everyone in starbucks to defend one anothers case.

      And now, a line from C.S. Lewis before I go to work...

"I would much rather say that every time you make a choice you are turning the central part of you, the part of you that chooses, into something a little different from what it was before. And taking your life as a whole, with all your innumerable choices, all your life long you are slowly turning this central thing either into a heavenly creature or a hellish creature: either into a creature that is in harmony with God, and with other creatures, and with itself, or else into one that is in a state of war and hatred with God, and with its fellow-creatures, and with itself. To be the one kind of creature is heaven: that is, it is joy and peace and knowledge and power. To be the other means madness, horror, idiocy, rage, impotence, and eternal loneliness. Each of us at each moment is progressing to the one state or the other."
                                       -From Mere Christianity, pg. 92-

Waiting...

2006-06-29T17:50:00.000-08:00

I wrote about this yesterday, but I felt everything I wanted to say was just a little bit muffled. The truth was, I had a bad day which left my mind kind of clouded and milky.

      Lately though, I have to say that most days have been frustrating. Take yesterday... I had major cell phone problems, found out my warranty was voided by something that wasn't my fault (but Sprint says they can't do anything about it anyway), I had low tips, I had bad customers, and 2 of my tables were occupied most of the night by people who were still talking from before I even showed up (thus I missed out on about 4 tables worth of tips.)

      But it's not just that, it's everything. It's not having enough money, yet having more bills than I'd really like. It's hearing rumours about me from a former church I attended that absolutely shocked me. It's watching my niece grow up in a very challenged situation. It's watching my mother pick up the broken pieces of the past 8 years. It's watching my brother overcome obstacles. It's loving and not being loved in return. It's just flat out feeling worthless sometimes. It's dealing with things I probably should've dealt with a long time ago.

      I remember when I was younger, everyone was interested in what a "youth" had to say about God, but the moment I grew a beard they expected me to either look exactly like Jesus, and if not, then they would listen to me as much as they would listen to Charles Manson (who also has a beard.)

      My tables yesterday really sucked, and I can honestly say that though I am a people person, I would have much preferred to be working with a church this summer. Ultimately, I'm waiting... I'm waiting for something to happen, something to change, something to come along or for something to click. And why? Because it just feels so stagnant right here where I am. It feels so bland like an English soup.

      The more I think about this, the more I think about the Jews in Jesus' time. There were 4 different sects: Zealots, Herodians, Essenes, and Pharisees. During the time of Jesus, the Jews were under dominion of the Roman Empire, and prior to that they had a few other nations governing them for the past 500 years. They hated it, and they were frustrated, and they wanted something to change.

      The Zealots wanted to be proactive and militaristic, to force a change. The Herodians felt like change just wasn't going to happen, so they became apathetic and started towing the Roman party line. The Essenes felt like the only way change would happen was to get away from everything and move to a remote location in the desert and wait for enlightenment from God. Lastly, the Pharisees believed the Jews were in such a stagnant state becauseof their sin and debauchery so they believed that by becoming holier and ridding their communities of the disgraceful and the sinful would win them favour with God, thus God would send a Messiah and he would free them from oppresion.

      Yet, when Jesus came, he confused all of them. Because all of the things he said, they seemed to agree with all of the view points in one sermon, yet by the end of that very same sermon Jesus had totally counteracted the viewpoints of everyone of those Jewish sects. The truth was, Jesus was right about everything he had to say. He felt like change needed to happen (which disagreed with the Herodians, and gladly shared feelings with the Zealots), yet he also believed that we should draw nearer to God and sin "no more" which shared views with the Pharisees, yet at the same time he was also condemning the Pharisees. He withdrew to lonely places often, which is what the Essenes suggested... yet at the same time he was eating and drinking with Prostitutes, Tax Collectors, and Social dislikes. This both went against the Essenes and the Pharisees.

All in all, Jesus confused a lot of people and they felt like they were waiting. And in the end, Jesus brought them more than they were looking for. Some of them saw it, some of them didn't... either way he brought them an entire new way of life, that involved more of others and more people than they were use to. He began including lots of people into the story, ultimately making it known that God loves everyone and wishes to be relational with everyone. This is the salvation, that we were saved from sin and now we are able to know and relate with our maker through the sacrifice of our saviour Jesus Christ.

And ya know, This is what is hitting me in the face. It's hitting me in the face like a hangover hits a drunk the next morning. Or like an echo of harsh words hits the husband or wife after they've spit fire at their spouse, totally disregarding any dignity that the other trusted them with. These things are mistakes, and that's what I've made. I've made the mistake of thinking that all of life revolves around me. That good things should come to me because for a lot of my life I've been dealt 2nd rate hands that just aren't as easy to play as everyone elses. Somteimes I tell myself I've got the rut of life: a father who has abandoned my family and the woman he said he loved, no single location to actually call "home", a string of failed relationships because I don't really know how a successful one works (besides that, most of the members from my family have either cheated or been cheated on... it's just not good).... etc, etc. Bottom line, I often have felt that things should be going better than they really are. Then I look back some odd months or maybe a year later, and I realize how much I wish I had that time back.

For example, I saw a picture of the "dungeon" guys (which included me, clarke, andrew, perry, skylar, and kevin) all sharing a dinner in Oxford that Clarke and I had made and I just became nostalgic. I told my mom how I wished I had that time back again. At the time, I was feeling the effects of English weather and what not.

This is the bottom line: God is teaching to me wait because sometimes I forget that everyday of my life is not going to be great, and that's ok. That everyday might feel like the English rain clouds, greyish and cold and without much sunshine. God may be up to something bigger in my life that I am totally unaware of, just like with the different Jewish sects. Jesus was up to something but it confused them because they were looking for specific things and not waiting for Jesus to come through with a full swing.

Wait and there will be a good day. Wait, but don't forget to live. Wait and eventually God will burst through those rainclouds and show you just how good the sunshine should feel in life, and that without those rain clouds you couldn't appreciate the sunshine, you couldn't appreciate the goodness.

The Stars at Table 33

2006-06-25T23:23:00.000-08:00

I've always liked to believe that people grow out of things.

In fact, this is what I daydream about sometimes. That one day, I'll grow out of my bad habits like wearing the same jeans for 2 weeks in a row (I learned this in England where people aren't so clean), then there's keeping my truck dirty (which I learned from Jeff Brooks), and then there's telling way too many stories (which I learned from... Hmmm... I'll have to get back to you on this one), and lastly there's the skipping baths that I'd really like to rid myself of because people tell me that it often ruins their night... Especially those whom I live with. My thing is, I think Jesus didn't smell too good after he got back from the 40 days in the desert, but no one said anything to him. And I know what you're thinking, "He's Jesus, he doesn't have to take baths." but let me just tell you that I disagree with you. Regardless of what it is, I've always liked to believe I'll grow out of it or get over it or whatever.

Tonight, however, I learned one of the most frightening lessons:
Somethings, you just don't grow out of.

I was waiting on table 33 tonight where young man with blonde hair accompanie two women, a very attractive young girl who was close to my age who I assumed was his girlfriend, and then there was her mother, an also attractive woman who seemed to not like waiters so much. Well, maybe not true. Anyways, they seemed to be somewhat distant with me (as some tables are) so I kind of kept quiet. But as I was refilling the young girl's tea that she had ordered with extra lemons, I caught her glancing at the table very trance-like, almost mesmermized by the salsa, and she just said very flat lined, "You know, Dad didn't call me for my birthday today." All that her mother said was, "What did you expect?" And at first, I just kept refilling the drinks and acting like I wasn't listening, but I was. As a matter of fact, I'm always listening to my guests and what they talk about because I find them interesting and more than that, in the most distant way I really do care about them.
When she said that, though, it was like she had shot me with this poison dart that sort of seeped into my veins the longer that it sat with me and I became more active. Because by the end of the night, I just felt so sorry for her. I felt like I was so powerless. When it really started to hit me was the moment we brought out her birthday dessert that was lit by one candle in which she smiled really big and said, "Awww, look at how cute that candle is, I like it." And instead of having everyone come to the table and do the Pappasitos birthday song, my trainer and I laid the dessert in front of her on the table and told her, "Happy Birthday Ma'am." And she said, "Thank you so much."

I tell you, I just couldn't stand it. She was so happy with the little that we did, and the worst part about all of tonight was that I was able to recognize that, that I was able to see right through her. Because she became vulnerable to me, to almost anyone at that restaurant who was paying attention. I mean she looked so pretty with her black top that was tied around her neck, and her black hair... I mean she was gorgeous, and she looked so strong too... and in an instant, she was fragile, like a child with the weakest bones. This started getting me thinking about my own father, and how I don't think I'll ever quite grow out of the hurts he's caused me. I mean I'll work through them, but man you just don't grow out of those things... They just don't go away. Searching the audience at your High School graduation to find that your father who makes about $75,000 a year by himself is absent from his reserved chair... why, that's one of the worst things and it doesn't leave you. Watching my mother who cried everyday of my 8th grade year, echoing Rachel who weeped for her children because they were no more, is so hard to get past... It's so hard to grow out of.

I guess I just didn't expect to be slammed with the problem of Fatherlessness at table 33 tonight. I didn't expect to be followed by my past, and not my trainer tonight. And it moments like this that I love Jesus most. It is moments like this that my eyes become soft and they shake a little bit as they moisten up, because I know that Jesus had very much of the same feelings that I've had and that this girl at table 33 had. And I wouldn't trade anything for Jesus. I just wouldn't.

And quite the opposite, I wouldn't trade those dark things like Fatherlessness because they are the things that have made me what I am today. Even if I still have some faults, I know Jesus and I love him and I wouldn't jeopardize the relationship I have with him for somewhat of a "brighter" childhood. It makes me think of that quote from Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. as he preached his Mountain Top sermon and it is what I would like to leave you with...

"Only when it is dark enough, can you see the stars."

From Yesterday

2006-06-25T11:13:00.000-08:00

"It was so sad to hear this morning from a Jewish girl who works with me that once she had been spending time with a local church going to church camps, mission trips, etc., ultimately learning more about Christianity... all to have been asked to leave the congregation since she didn't officially convert after a period of 9 months."

I'm finding out that there are bruises everywhere.

______________________________________________

"Do you think you deserve credit merely for loving those who love you... And if you lend money only to those who can repay you, what good is that?

...Do good to them! Lend to them! And don't be concerned that they might not repay. Then your reward from heaven will be very great, and you will truly be acting as children of the Most High, for he is kind to the unthankful and to those who are wicked. You must be compassionate, just as your Father is compassionate."
-Jesus-

Urbana 2006

2006-06-23T06:41:00.000-08:00

So I'm working on trying to get a group of students to attend the Urbana 2006 Student Missions conference. I got $50 discounts for any ACU student/alumni/faculty who is interested. Let me know.

The NBA Finals

2006-06-20T22:08:00.000-08:00

Ok, This is a lot of ground to cover... So, tell you what. Why don't each and everyone of you Mavs fans just go ahead and find me for my commentary on Game 6?

I'm assuming that none of you will find me, so don't worry, I'll find you and give you the commentary that you deserve. Hopefully you've been a good sport, and then I will be a good sport. Otherwise, you will receive the due commentary that your southern rivals are aching to dish out.

Until each and everyone meets again, PEACE!!!

“Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter...”

2006-06-18T23:51:00.000-08:00

      Someone posed a question to me the other day about my "Third World America" post. It wasn't on this blogsite, but on my blogspot address. Among my resrach to respond to her question I found out that there is something called "Fourth World Poverty". And actually, Fourth World Poverty is exactly what I described in my previous post. The actual phrase defines two types of people. First, it is the poorest communities within Third World Countries, and Second, it is the poorest communities living within the First World Countries. That's kind of weird, huh? I guess it makes sense, though, because they're very much like an entirely different world and so are those set apart from the Third World Countries. These communities like I described in the previous post aren't exactly apart of the First World lifestyle like the rest of us, now are they?
      Even when I think about the lifestyle I had growing up, I still was apart of the "First World": I bought food at First World restaurants that sold at First World prices, I bought clothes from First World companies that dominated the First World fashion, I received a First World education in First World school buildings, and throughout my life (even in a shabby and crowded 2 bedroom, 1 bath apt. for 4-5 people) I have lived in First World housing. Yet, there are still those people in our communities that live in dumpsters night after night; some playing the hand that they were dealt at birth or battling to overcome an addiction from drugs, or maybe they're struggling to heal from the loss of friendship or family. Who knows? Whatever the matter, they live here, right outside of our apartments and gated communities, and we still overlook them.
      You know something I never fully realized? Just how wealthy America is. That's right, I never fully realized it until I went to Europe and lived there for quite a while. Somehow, whether you call Capitalism economical genius or corruption (it doesn't matter), America has managed to become the only country in the world that can afford for most of it's inhabitants to only speak one language for their entire life. When I went to Greece, my mother's friend who lives there is an ordinary woman just like you would meet at church or the grocery store (yet with a Grecian Attitude and snap to her); she knows 3 languages fluently and she picked them all up while she was younger... Her daughters who are my age, they speak English, French, and Greek fluently. In fact, in Greece is it required that you learn both Greek and English in grade school, and you have a choice between German or French, but you must pick one of the two to learn. And the rest of the EU isn't too different with the way they educate their kids. I'm not saying that people don't learn languages here, but I mean, it's not to the point where we require our children to speak at least one other language (probably spanish) growing up to further benefit their opportunities in life.
      I love America, I really do, but sometimes I'm just so frustrated wth my American lifestyle. Like, I have a friend who is traveling to Calcutta, India on Monday to spend seven weeks there, and she is taking nothing with her but a few outfits to last her for seven weeks. Nothing for seven straight weeks: no iPod, no alarm clock, no wrist watches, no cell phones, no makeup, no earrings, necklaces, or any other form of jewelry, no "formal" outfit, no nothing... Just a few sets of clothes. She'll also be washing her clothes in a bucket and bathing without hot water while she's there. She tells me that people's first reaction to this is always, "You can't bring your iPod?? Are you serious, I mean how are you going to live without it??" And it is exactly this that I am talking about. This horrible lie that I can't live without the latest technology, that what makes me whole and sane is my consumer electronics, my fancy cookware, and my Charmin Ultra that nestles on a wonderful toilet paper holder that spins fruity fragrances everytime I roll the toilet paper.
      So many times I find myself buying into that First World Mentality, so many times I find myself believing that I have to right to call "need" what is really my own "want". My prayer today, tonight, is that God would open up all of our eyes, minds, and hearts to help us all to truly want more of what we need and to not need more of what we want.

“Earth provides enough to satisfy every man's need, but not every man's greed.” -Ghandi-

Third-World America...

2006-06-15T23:51:00.000-08:00

     I heard a very sad story today. They found a homeless man dead lying outside of a dumpster behind this Christian bookstore on the Northwest Side of San Antonio. In case you're wondering, I didn't read this in a newspaper, but the sister of one of my friends told us this story tonight. Apparently he had been back there for longer than a day and it just took a little while to discover him. She said that his body had originally been in a dumpster, but was found after the garbage people came by for the week to empty out the dumpster. Damn... How sad is that?

    When I heard this, all I could think about was just how sad it is in America. Don't get me wrong, I'm not beating down on America or anything, I just get concerned. The thing is that I think about third-world countries a lot, and I'm not downplaying on the poverty in those places, but sometimes I am curious as to how much of a third-world we have here in America. Only the majority of society cannot see them because we have too many buildings that shield these third worlds from our eyes. Basically, the third world lives in hidden alleys and behind the buildings of the businesses that make up our nation's abundant economy. We are always warned to stay out of alleys and dark places, and sometimes I wonder if this is where they just sit and wait for someone... anyone... a friend... someone to just come along and validate their existence just like Jesus did.

    They are among some of the most quiet tragedies in the world because the truth is that most of them probably do die in some alley or dumpster, and the truth is that probably no one will notice they are dead until the stench of a dead carcass begins to settle and linger after a few days.

There are the obvious places we hide: behind power-lock windows and doors, behind the gates and fences of our communities or our homes and then there are the more unlikely places we hide behind... like behind our "common sense" (our own ideas of what takes priority in life): things like church doctrine, politics, education, and a healthy social life. They are all good things, things needed for society to function, but fire will both cook food and burn people at the same time, depending on how the beholder uses the fire.

Man, sometimes I really wish Jesus was here walking in his body, just to show all of us what really matters. Could it be that we have a third-world here in America and we just do not care for them? Or is that we just haven't been able to see them? Did we not know they were there, so close to us? Regardless, I think we all must answer one question: How will you use your fire?

Currently Listening: Homer Hiccolm & the Rocketboys (Heartbeat Live)

2006-06-14T19:41:00.000-08:00

***I put that up there cause I get frustrated that Homer Hiccolm isn't in the xangazon search and half of the time, I'm listening to something of theirs while I write. Well, if I'm writing anything good, I'm usually listening to them, but since they're not on the xangazon search, I usually put up a book that I'm not really reading just to make me sound smart. Jokes aside, Here's a tip: Listening to good music helps you write better. Anyways.

P.S. If you haven't heard of Homer Hiccolm, you should go and listen to them at "www.myspace.com/rocketboys". My favourite song right now is "Heartbeat Live"

***I was asked if I was married today. That's right, I started working at Pappasitos today and for the most part I did a lot of listening to other people today, but somewhere in the mix a girl asked me if I was married because I wear this ring on my left hand. It's one of those James Avery rings with the cross on it. It doesn't really symbolize anything for me, which is what she was wondering. I wear it there because it fits comfortably on that finger as opposed to the right hand ring finger (bottom line: I'm just not a jewelry kind of guy, but it's a gift so I wear it.)
Anyways, I had two rotations today and in the second I felt like I was standing around a lot when it started, so I just kinda followed the other waiters around and they were really cool about it. Two in particular, Katie and Deborah, gave me this thorough rundown of my checklist today. They were both really cool, but the best part was hanging out with Claudia and Stefanie at the Hostess stand. Nothing against Katie and Deborah, but Claudia and Stefanie are pretty funny and laid back so they joked around alot while they ran through the checklist with me. Also, they weren't as tied down and rushed as Katie and Deborah (who are waiters). I got to try all the salsas (sauces) they have there today and got to snack on some of the food as apart of my training so that way I would be familiar with the products, and that was tight. Tonight though, I gotta do some major studying of the menu because I'm tested on a portion of it tomorrow. I doubt it'll be as hard as they say, but I'm not going to underestimate them when they tell me to study. Next shift is tomorrow at 10am and then I'm off on Friday.

***Here's something I wrote on my other blog:

I wish we didn't sell Jesus, ya know what I mean? If you call yourself a Christian, you've had to have heard the speech about Jesus "buying" us at a price, yet somehow we still manage to believe we can sell Jesus to some non-believer who just might buy him. Maybe that's why so many people I know eventually turn away from Jesus, because someone gave them the impression that he's a product and all you have to do is buy him, and if you buy him, then he will do wonders in your life. All the while, the thought to regard Jesus as someone who has given everything he has to purchase our freedom to know him has never crossed our mind. Jesus is magic they say, but when we find out he's no magician, no wizard who will fix all of our problems at the flick of a wrist, Why should we want him?

Don't sell Jesus, he cannot be bought.

***Check out the new rating system on Xanga. Just in case you're wondering, this post is "A" which means it is suitable for all ages to read.

When the World is Ending

2006-06-11T11:30:00.000-08:00

Everyone is trying to learn something.

    That’s what we do. In little simple ways we did it as children, but nothing extremely difficult because most of the time we were preoccupied with climbing trees or exploring imaginary lands in part of the game we created with our friends. But as we start getting older, learning things is all we ever really do. We abandon the elementary and give way to the demands of society who urges us to learn, learn, learn. Learning is good though, but it’s extremely difficult and the thing that just about kills me is that I find myself learning things I don’t really care about. Like the Space Program. It might make someone else tingle when they hear about NASA’s new discoveries on Mars and how they’ve found traces of water on the planet, but I don’t really care about that. It’s just not important to me, not the way that life is. And by life I don’t speak in general terms, I just mean things like death, love, my reason for existing, etc. I’m not saying I’m deep or anything, but the more I think about life, the more questions I have. Currently, every question I’ve had lately all sort of leads me back to one question. How do I love someone other than myself?
    Because I think about being born, and I think why I’m born, and my guess is that surely I wasn’t born to entertain myself and only myself, but instead that I would interact with someone who I meet at the grocery store or at the post office. And if I think about death, all I can think is how I don’t want to die alone. If I think about the meaning of my life, all I can think is that I can’t make meaning by myself. That’s like being a self-proclaimed anything, it’s just not that credible. Which leads me to wonder about just how much other people need to be involved in my life, and how I need to be involved in theirs, but how? How do I let them know me and how do I get to know them? Or, another way of looking at it, is how do I let them love me and how do I ever love them? Letting someone love you, is easier, I believe, than loving someone. I think primarily this is the reason guys get addicted to porn, because it totally neglects any love for the woman you’re watching. And the only reason a guy looks at porn is to satisfy himself. I mean, I can sit there and tell someone all my problems and let them see me under an exposing light, but to try and love them back, to move somewhere by myself is so difficult. Even when someone hurts, I just about die inside because I don’t know how to love them. Even when I want to love them, I just can’t seem to grasp everything within me and move to help them. It’s not at all that I don’t want to, I just don’t know how. And the worst part of it all is that even when I want to reach out and help them, there’s a selfish thought or some demented motivation that lurks around my gut area and begins to swirl in my head. It’s like it’s haunting any goodness that I have inside of me. I want it to change, I just don’t know when it will, but I believe it will.
    I had this dream once where the world was ending in Houston (though I had never been there at the time of the dream) and everyone was out killing each other in the wake of buildings that had been burned into these molten memorial sites of something that used to be good. As all of this is happening, God is standing in the parking lot of the only building that hasn’t been destroyed yet. The building is a hotel I was planning to stay at, and God was in the parking lot talking to my cousin about only God knows what. In my dream, God had taken the appearance of a pastor I had heard a few weeks back named Todd while I was at a church camp. I struck somewhat of a furious pace towards him out of desperation that had been spurred from all the chaos when all of a sudden I found myself standing above a story that had been written in childlike script on the gravel of the parking lot with what seemed to be a piece of chalk. As I read it, I quickly learned it was the story of my life; from the time I was born, all the way up to when I was in Boy Scouts at the beginning of my eight grade year.
    My life was really miserable then: my father had just abandoned our family for a woman who was a close friend of the family, 3 drive-by shootings, a swat team had raided my house, depression was leaking from everyone’s eyes and lips and from the walls of our house as well, 2 of my brothers had tried committing suicide, the area around my mother’s eyes became swollen and red because she cried nearly every waking moment of my 8th grade year, I was failing school, and lastly we were poor because our Father took all of our money.
    These were the types of things I had just read about before the I read the part about being a “First Class” Boyscout. The thing is, though, is that I got really angry when I read it because it looked like someone had smeared the rest of it to the point where I could no longer read it. Immediately, I ran to God assuming that he would fix this problem, and for some odd reason I kind of knew this was a dream and that possibly I could learn about things in the future since I always read about God doing it with people in the Old Testament. So I butted into his and my cousin’s conversation,
    “God, listen, I really need your help because, see, someone has written all of my life across the parking lot with a piece of chalk, but the problem I’m having is that someone has seemed to erase everything that happens after today and I’m pretty upset about that because it was there! It’s not like we don’t know what’s going to happen already because someone had written it out… Listen, I just want to know what it says. Can you tell me what it says?”
    And then, he just looked at me like his heart had just broke, and his chin kind of curled under his lip as his brow pushed together and his nostrils sort of flared up. With this look, I held a real hopeless one on my face because life seemed to really suck and all I really wanted was for it to be better, and what was hurting the most was just how vulnerable I had made myself to God, a figure that most everyone wants to believe in, but has the utmost difficult actually doing so. His stare at me was piercing, kind of like when someone says good bye to you and you know you’re not going to actually see them for a very long time; perhaps your sibling or significant other is going off to college and it won’t be for another year that you see them, or perhaps your wife is dying in her hospital bed and you feel that this is the last time you’ll see her stare at you until you die too. That kind of stare.
    In a very soft voice, almost a whisper, he said firmly,

    “Don’t let Go.”

    The next moment I knew I was lying awake on the mattress in my room that laid bare across an almost empty apartment floor. I was really shaken, but that dream made me feel something. I felt like I was privileged to the secret that most people didn’t know. All I had to do was hold on and not give up. It made me feel like I had just entered into reality for the first time in my life. I had a similar feeling laying in a bathtub once.
    The tub was filled to the brim with water and my body floated for 20 minutes or so, and after I had washed my hair and my body, I let myself float again and then with my toes I pulled the plug and let all of the water drain for a few minutes. I laid still as the water began to pull itself down across my stomach and my body slowly began feeling gravity again. When the last drops slid down the drain, I tried to lift my arms to the top of the tub and stretch the rest of my body in the same manner I did when I wanted to float. Instead of floating, my arms felt three times their normal weight and it was somewhat uncomfortable and painful to stretch my body out like I previously had.
    The more I did this in the bathtub, the more I began thinking how sometimes we have this ideas about what could make life better and it’s just like floating, and all of a sudden when the plug is pulled from underneath us and the water begins to drain, that is when reality begins to set in. When all of a sudden you realize there are no formulas for a better life; that no matter what you try to satisfy yourself with, selfishness will always leave you hurting and empty; that the problems you had when you were a kid will never go away; that the only way to have meaning is to love someone else besides yourself. And however difficult it is to do this, you just can’t give up and let go, but instead you try to learn how to give away and let someone have what is most precious to you, what is most prized to all of us. Love. That unadulterated friendship and selflessness which all of us thinks about at night when we lay in our rooms, alone in the dark, right before a voice begins to sing in our sleep about how we shouldn’t let go.
    What I want to learn is nothing that will give me a 6 figure salary or a life of luxury, but what I want to learn is to love other people. I want to step beyond the academia and formulas that beg for my attention in a society like today’s that demands you be educated and to crash through to some form of very needed foolishness. All I really want is to be apart of other peoples’ lives and I want them to be apart of mine. If that means not letting go, even when it hurts, then I'll pull through the night until dawn comes.

New Job!!

2006-06-07T15:38:00.000-08:00

WOO HOO!!! I GOT THE JOB AT PAPPASITOS WORKING AS A WAITER!!!!!

Man, I tell you, God is faithful. So, if you're in San Antonio some time this summer (give me like 2 weeks for training), come find me at Pappasitos Cantina and I will be your waiter... PEACE!!!

Dallas

2006-06-01T06:47:00.000-08:00

I'm in Texas now, but there will be a considerable silence on my blog until I get back to San Antonio and am situated. Until then, I say Peace and it's good to be back in the states.

(This post was published a little later than I am expected, as I am actually now in Abilene re-posting this.)

Fare Thee Well Europe...

2006-05-24T15:39:00.000-08:00

As I depart from another milestone that consisted of four and a half months of my life, I have this to say:

Texas... Here I come.

A Quick Note...

2006-05-22T22:23:00.000-08:00

I was going to start out my post this morning by saying something like,

"There is a day in every man's life when he admits defeat...
Well, to all of you Mavs fans out there, today will not be the day I admit defeat",

but then I felt like this was such a Mavs thing to do, you know? So I decided not to just post that. No, instead I will be the bigger man and concede my favourite team's loss last night in what was apparently an "OT Thriller" (I only get so much news in Europe). From what I hear, although I didn't see for half of the Season, I hear that the Mavs are good ball players, whether they are equally good characters are two different stories. Even the audience too. I think it somewhat unfortunate that they, the Mavs fans, chose Game 6 to start booing their former Michael Finley, but ya know, whatever. I haven't decided who I'm going to root for in the playoffs, whether I should be way nice and root for the Mavs (I like Texas, but man I really dislike Mark Cuban) or whether I should be myself and root for the Suns because I really don't like the Mavs (except for Avery Johnson cause he spent most of his career on our beloved Spurs). We'll see what happens.

Mavs fans, congrats to you, you beat an amazing team... This is probably the last time you'll ever hear me say that about the Mavs and the Spurs.

Another post to come soon...

AGAIN!!!

2006-05-20T06:35:00.000-08:00

    ***Man, the Spurs did it again in Game 6 and boy am I excited. The boys play well under pressure, they always have and always will so I've got confidence in them for game 7.

    ***Well, now I am in Athens (Maroussi actually) staying with family friends who used to live across the street from me when I was a kid growing up. Just so you know they are a Grecian Family, but they lived in the states for a good while. Interesting fact for you to know, the Father of this family was the first Doctor to examine me after I was born. From the moment I arrived here they have been nothing but hospitable to me. Last night, the mother and I exchanged some recent pictures as well as some pictures from the past. Then she took me out to have traditional Greek Food, and ya know, I have to say, it's pretty dang good. Then this afternoon she took me to some really nice places in Athens that I haven't read about in any of those Travel Guides. They were places where you had this really distant view of the Acropolis or some other Athenian Ruins. All of the places have been pretty awesome and then she took me out to some really good lunch. ALSO, ONE OF THE BIGGEST THINGS YET: I AM GETTING TO WASH MY CLOTHES!!! Oh man, I can't tell you how excited am about that.
    Yeah, so far it's been really great here. Clarke, Andrew, Luke, and Daniel are still in the Patras area reclining on the wonderful beaches of Greece. They've all been doing well for those of you who are concerned about their well being. Originally, I was supposed to travel here by myself, but I ran into Clarke and Andrew while I was riding the Metro in Roma (which is actually really weird). Then they decided to go with me to Greece and cancel on the Hitch-Hiking thing. Although, they successfully Hitch-Hiked to Roma from Firenze in what turned out to be a really fascinating story. One I won't tell unless you find me in person. They've allowed me to tell it, but I don't have the patience or determination to write it all out right now. Anyways, we then Ferried from Bari, Italy to Patras, Greece and immediately we found out that Greece was cheaper than any other EU country we've ever been to. Did you know you can actually get a lot of really good food for 5 euros? Amazing. Simply Amazing. People came here and told me Grecian food was no good, but it's pretty dang awesome. Yeah, we got here and made it ok. On the train I met a really cool guy from Conneticut named Bret who knows a lot about Economics and so we discussed a little bit of that and some other really good stuff. Also met guy named Eric from Chicago who was really good at card games, and a huge fan of the cubs.
    If you want to know about Luke and Daniel, we split up after the Vatican Museum on Thursday morning and they left for Pompeii and Naples. I received an email from them this morning and they said they really enjoyed their time there, so I'm looking forward to the stories.

Bottom Line: Everyone of us is safe and sound, but maybe not smelling good.

    Traveling has been great. For me, I've learned a lot more about people, and about myself as well, than I ever expected to. I originally decided to come to Europe because I once read some essays by Rene Descartes when I was a sophmore in High School, and in it he talks about how he learned just as much in 2-3 years of traveling in Europe with the French Army during the Hundred Years War than he ever did in 20 years of Classrooms and books. And I've found this to be true. You know, you can talk about anything when you read a book, but the only place it exists is in your mind. It's not that it can't exist in your heart, but it's definitely a difficult thing to feel it and absolutely impossible to experience it unless you actually embrace it. I'm tired right now from my day of walking so I won't go into this, but chew on that idea for a while. I need a nap. Peace for now.

GO SPURS GO!!!!

GO SPURS GO!!! GO SPURS GO!!!

2006-05-20T06:31:00.000-08:00

It's 6:45am here, but I got to find out what happened with my boys in last night's game. KEEP ON KEEPIN'ON SAN ANTONIO!!!! GO SPURS GO!!! GO SPURS GO!!!

Italy...

2006-05-14T12:05:00.000-08:00

So right now I'm stuck in Italy with Luke and Daniel. Clarke and Andrew have made it around ok and tonight will be the 2nd time we've met up with them upon our first Departure from Venice. Currently I'm in Florence waiting for Luke to get our Hostel information figured out. I'm still really excited about the whole Rick Steves thing, cause check this out... Not only did we meet him 2 nights ago (The days of the week have long left my mind), but yesterday while in Cinque Terra we saw him again and he struck up a conversation with us for about 10min and asked us if we'd email him (and he gave us his private email) about Kayaking in Cinque Terra. So yeah, Rick and I have become good friends and soon I'll be writing in his next Travel guide. If you don't know Rick (Rick Steves to those who aren't his close friends), he's a real relaxed guy. Clarke set us all up to go play Ping Pong at his house during Christmas. Anyways, on a more serious note. I'm out of here before Florence internet eats up all of my money! YIKES!!!! Love you guys, and keep reading!!!!

I MET RICK STEVES!!!!

2006-05-14T12:01:00.000-08:00

Ok, So I just thought I should let everyone know that tonight I met someone ridiculously famous. Not just I, might I add, but Clarke, Daniel, Andrew, and Luke as well. Yes, that's right, tonight while eating at the Blue Martini Pizzeria in Vernazza, Italy along the beaches of Cinque Terra, Rick Steves walked in and began editing his 2007 section on Cinque Terra. After he finished his email, we stopped and asked him for a picture... and we got one. Unfortunately, you'll have to wait two weeks to see it until I get home.

WE MET RICK STEVES, TRAVEL GURU EXTRORDINAIRE!!!!

Bound to Come Some Trouble

2006-05-09T13:23:00.000-08:00

I won't be around for most of the next 2 weeks because I'll be traveling extensively in Italy and Greece. This is a weird statement to make, but it's an extremely trying time for me right now, so if all of you will keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I will be in a smalll group of guys going around those two countries. Thank you. Also, be mindful of my friends Clarke and Andrew as they are in a more difficult situation than the rest of us for the next 2 weeks.

Peace.

An English Sunset on the Thames

2006-05-08T11:38:00.000-08:00

I'm going to miss England when I leave, but I am not gone yet.

Reflections on Traveling

2006-05-07T03:36:00.000-08:00

    Well, soon I'll be leaving. I won't be in England anymore, and I won't be in America either. Instead, I'll be in Italy for a week or so, and then I'll be off to Athens, Greece. As much fun as this sounds, I really do wish I was going home with everyone else from my group who will be flying back to the states on Wednesday. It's not that I don't enjoy traveling, but when you're away from everything familiar to you for 4 1/2 months, it can be quite draining on you. Now, for some, they wouldn't have it any other way except to keep traveling this way and that way, and every which way, but not me. I mean, I don't travel for kicks or for fun, but I travel because there is more to life than me. I don't fully know what that means just yet, but I'm learning. Rene Descartes, a 17th century mathematician and philosopher, said that he learned just as much, if not more, about life in traveling for 3 years with the French Army during the 100 years war than he ever did reading books and studying in classrooms.
    Coming here for me hasn't been easy. I mean, the first day, I felt like I had arrived in C.S. Lewis' grey town from "The Great Divorce". You obviously can't fully understand that feeling just by reading this, but try to imagine leaving Texas, a land where the climate is extremely sunny and warm on most days and the people are equally warm and sunny, because Texans are very friendly, even if they aren't being honest with you. Then imagine getting on a plane and 24 hours later, you walk off of that plane into Gatwick Airport, a place that sweats not heat, but the cold, and outside it is dark and gloomy and everyone is pasty and seemingly impersonable. Imagine knowing you'll be stuck in this environment for 4 months. Needless to say, I had a rough start. I don't feel this way about England or the UK anymore, in fact I'm going to be sad when I leave this place, but the journey has not been easy.
    The most important thing I've begun learning from traveling in Europe has been this: That life is not about me. Donald Miller says that the greatest lie he ever contended with is that "life is a story about [me]". I can actually say that I'm learning what that means. Well I've got to go to lunch now, I'm going to meet with my English buddy Mark who goes to Trinity College here at Oxford. I'm getting sunday roast, and I'm hoping it'll be really good.

Mi Gente

2006-05-04T17:04:00.000-08:00

I have to say that I'm pretty dang proud of my peoples. Now, I don't know what your politics are or how you feel about immigration laws or whatever, but I'm not here preaching politics to people about what you should or shouldn't believe. Anyways, this past monday on May 1st, millions of hispanics, along with some other immigrants to the states, united by word of mouth and protested the proposed reformation bill in the United States that attempts to charge with felonies those who immigrate illegally to the United States, as well as those who harbour illegal immigrants. They did not allow their children to go to school, they called in sick to work, and Personally, I don't feel it's right of the United States to punish these individuals so harshly. Cruel and Unusual Punishment, I think, is a big issue here. I think sometimes, however, that we can forget our heritage. After all, are we not all descendants of immigrants. My Grandmother on my mother's side is a Mexican Immigrant and my Great-Grandmother on my father's side is an Italian Immigrant. I won't forget either that somewhere along the lines the Worthington's came to the states from what we know of today as Leicestershire County, England and the Buchanans somewhere around Stirling and Drymen, Scotland migrated to the states as well. Can I account for all of their documentation? Probably not. I guarantee that not all of our families have migrated to the states legally or with proper documentation. I realize too that all it takes for someone to be legal is to be born in the United States. Can not those who conceive Americans somehow live the American Dream?

On the other hand, I realize that we are a Capitalist economy, but let us remember that Capitalism runs on "me and my money", looking out for number one and doing that by running out the other business by any means possible. Sadly, though, America can become so wrapped up in their own business that we aren't even counted on to lead the way for Equality and Fairtrade in the world, despite the fact that we are arguably the most powerful nation in the world. Did you know that when the Gleneagles Summit (G8 Summit) met in 2005, it was Britain who was counted on to rally the other 7 nations to commit .07% of their portion of the excess 5 billion dollars to fight poverty in 3rd world countries?

I think that America needs to be more socially minded, and I guarantee you that in visiting other countries, our outlook as a society is very internal. That just about kills me because being here in Europe, there's more resources available to me here that encourages my external focus, and I know that when I go home, I'm going to be driven to focus on me and my needs. I'm going to be cornered into shopping at Corporate Giants who, in many cases, have been found guilty of oppressing immigrants.

Immigration, like any other problem in the world, will not go away, and indeed it may be a problem. However, we have a call to love others in a selfless manner. We know too that selflessness is not a comfortable lifestyle, but a demanding one that does not find very much success or acheivements. Regardless of how comfortable it is, it is our call whether we say we are Christians, Muslims, Jews, whatever... It is everywhere among religions:

"Do to others as you would have them do to you." (Luke 6:30) -Jesus-

"Righteousness is this: that one should… give away wealth out of love for Him to the near of kin and the orphans and the needy and the wayfarer and the beggars and for the emancipation of the captives." (2.177) -The Koran-

"Thus sayeth the Lord: ‘Bring the homeless poor into the house, when you see the naked, cover him, then your light will break out like the dawn and your recovery will speedily spring fourth, then your Lord will be your rear guard." -Isaiah 58-

We cannot give up on the problems that exist around us, but we must seek as a community to work through our issues together. But we can never give up. In fact, if anything we must make it a point in our lives to continually give away. Give away to the needy and less fortunate than ourselves. At one time in each of our heritages, I can guarantee you someone in your blood line had struggles and someone gave them a leg up. Do not give up on those poorer and less fortunate, but give away to them.

Some Pictures for the Peoples

2006-05-04T17:03:00.000-08:00

The Gallarus Oratory (from the inside) in the Dingle Peninsula, Republic of Ireland

C.S. Lewis' Dinner Table

Me teaching class at York Castle... obviously someone was out of their seat, so of course the kids deserved to be yelled at.

The Statue of Roman Emperor Constantine in York, who was crowned Emperor there in 306 AD. Upon his death, he would establish Christianity as the State Religion of Rome.

The Sun coming out over Whitby Pier

The Graveyard where St. Caedmon is buried... Also, behind it is the Coast of Whitby.

Whitby at Sunset...

More of those on my Facebook Pictures. More updates later, I need to get some homework done. For those of you in the states, 3 weeks and counting...

New Blog

2005-10-29T15:29:00.000-08:00

Coming soon...