Women...

I do not understand them...

I just had to say that tonight.

Everybody's Talkin' Bout Goin' To Heaven...

Here is a survey that I would like everyone's input on...

What is the point of Christianity?

Whether you consider yourself a Christian or not, I would like to know what you think the ultimate point of being a Christian is and I would also like to know where you got that idea from.

Again, I really would like everyone's input on this subject.

Peace.

Verses for Kentucky

Walk those streets, sweetest Sandra
And don't let London be so cold
To you on Tuesday when the sun isn't shining,
Just wait for the Sun's Day, and there you will find your soul.

It's waiting in a dress made of scarlet,
and it doesn't taste anything like light.
Just on the other hand of the shadows,
It's the one that is promising a fight.

So let loose on the Sun's Day Sandra, and give way to the war
Or you'll be lost in your shadows that are waiting behind the door.

Cleveland Heep

What is it about revealing brokenness that makes things change?

      I've really been haunted by the latter part of this question. Revealing brokenness is somewhat easy for me if someone really wants me to... Well maybe to an extent. This is something I've noticed though: that ever since I revealed my struggles with pornography and some other things (revealed in conversations with people I've had recently), the people around me are changing and things are changing. More and more people are telling me things they've never been comfortable telling most people before. And it's making my heart break. I won't lie to you about my struggle, because I've looked at pornography in some of my downest moments this week... but I've had several people tell me things (and several people who are wanting to tell me things) and hearing several of these things are making it harder for me to keep going back to my sin. I feel like the dog who keeps returning to his vomit, only it's like something is awakening me to the taste of it.
      It seems lately that my relationships have birthed a taste for vomit that my soul has never known before. Relationships are that valuable if they are open and honest, they start sharpening each other. In the midst of all my sin, there are these people who just show up in my life and reveal to me their brokennes and as a result, my empathy begins to extend itself far beyond my sinful voracity. It's not comfortable either because I feel like worlds are shifting inside of me, I feel like a fault is being created. In all honesty, I feel like I'm becoming more emotional.
      The difficult in that is that I've cried about seven times since the summer of 99'. Give or take one cry, I've cried about seven times. Now, I've gotten teary eyed over some things, but I've only cried about seven times.
      I was watching Lady in The Water tonight and Paul Giamatti's character has this scene where he reveals to the community some very hidden things about his life. He reveals them in sort of a prayer before the community, and it is because of this revealing of brokenness that Story (the Lady in the Water) is healed of her wounds and, in turn, is able to achieve her destiny. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that that if we reveal our wounds, we'll automatically achieve our destiny... but I think what I am saying is that if revealing our wounds brings a sort of healing to our neighbors.
      Sometimes I feel like everyone is holding their breath until their blue in the face, and then after that until they die. Everyone, for some odd reason, believes this is how things should be if you're human. You just hold your breath until you die and you never really take in fresh oxygen and release the old used up air that's been filtered in your lungs. All the while, no one has actually let go of their breath and people are dropping like flies, but then a few people decide their not going to die from lack of oxygen... so they breathe. A few other people realize it's probably a good idea to exhale and inhale some fresh air again, and after a little while everyone kind of understands that what we're meant to do is to take in new air and let out the old. Everyone starts to understand too that what kills us is holding in all of the bad stuff. Breathing is essentially what grace is, we let out all of the bad unusable things from our lungs and then we take in fresh air that, when broken down in some sort of complicated biochemical process, gives us life.
      My God it hurts to breathe. But I pray you do. I pray you let it down, if not for just your sake, but for your friends' sake. You won't believe what kind of atmospheres you'll breathe in. You'll still let out bad things, but we're human and we can't help but do that.
     

What's Goin' On...

***So I've been considerably sick lately... been having some stomach problems and I had some tests run on me last week, and I get the results this week. My suspicion is an ulcer, but who knows? Hope it's all good.

***I got a credit card... Yikes.

***I cleaned my truck... Probably a good thing.

***Had three really good conversations with three really good people: Jeff Brooks, Matt Hoffman, and Jason Vick. Each of them lend an extreme blessing to my life.

***Took my mom out to eat with my bro at La Madeline (sp?...who knows?)

***Bought a Sufjan Stevens CD (Illnoise)

***Got a Brand New Cell Phone that I don't really no how to use cause they forgot to give me a manual with it. My old phone broke so they ordered some fancy one that's a little too much for me, but whatevah just so long as I can call peoples.

***I've been sleeping a lot too.

Just so you know, the blog might be silent for a little while. I'm doing more reading than writing right now.

Vulnerability

      I had to write this essay once for a bible class about what character in the gospels I associated myself with the best. I chose a prostitute. Specifically, the Woman of John 8.

      Today, I know even moreso why I chose this because in many ways I am very much like a whore. I messed up today, and I knew I was messing up... Don't get me wrong, I'm not giving up, it's just that at times you become very weak and you give in, and you know you're giving in and you hate it... It's like that whole Paul thing in Romans 7 all over again. It makes me wonder that even though he wrote it once, he might have thought that over and over again in his head or maybe he told it to people more than once whenever he preached. If you don't know what one of the fathers of Christianity dealt with, here is a taste:

"I don't understand myself at all, for I really want to do what is right, but I don't do it. Instead, I do the very thing I hate. I know perfectly well that what I am doing is wrong, and my bad conscience shows that I agree that the law is good. But I can't help myself, because it is sin inside me that makes me do these evil things.

    I know I am rotten through and through so far as my old sinful nature is concerned. No matter which way I turn, I can't make myself do right. I want to, but I can't. When I want to do good, I don't. And when I try not to do wrong, I do it anyway. But if I am doing what I don't want to do, I am not really the one doing it; the sin within me is doing it."                             -Paul-

      I think he and I could have roomed together because I feel like that a lot of times and I think we would've understood each other. Because this is definitely not what I want, but it's what I did. I mean, I'm writing about all of this as a means of accountability. I'm making myself very vulnerable to you who read this so that I'm challenged to not have every post about how much I screwed up. So that when you walk up to me, there's a good chance that whoever you are, you might know what I've done and I'll know that. I don't want to make this long, but before I close I want to finish with the rest of what Paul said and then some lyrics from Derek Webb...

"It seems to be a fact of life that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. I love God's law with all my heart. But there is another law at work within me that is at war with my mind. This law wins the fight and makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin? Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord."
                                                           -Paul-

An excerpt from "Wedding Dress":

"So could you love this bastard child,
Though I don’t trust you to provide?
With one hand in a pot of gold
and with the other in your side?

I am so easily satisfied
by the call of lovers so less wild,
That I would take a little cash
Over your very flesh and blood.

I am a whore I do confess
But I put you on just like a wedding dress
and I run down the aisle,
and I run down the aisle.
I’m a prodigal with no way home
but I put you on just like a ring of gold
and I run down the aisle to you."

Confession: Shooting Shotguns

Do you think Jesus would hide anything about himself from anyone?

      I started thinking about this tonight while my brother and I were buying some medicine and breakfast items for my mother at Walgreens. We were waiting in the line to check out and this man who is obviously obese begins to speak to me,

      "That stuff's real good for you, you know?"

      He was making reference to my oatmeal and raisins. He went on about how it was healthy, so I told him my mom was a health nut and she was always buying healthy things. He also went on about how that and fruit was really good for my health. Now, some who are more cynical or possibly ordinary may think, "An overweight man telling me about being healthy? Sure." Well maybe. There's always people who could take their own advice, like me for the longest time. The truth was though that this guy wasn't like this at all. In fact, at the beginning of the conversation I was sort annoyed by someone talking to me in the store and even more that it was small talk. Then something hit me... a baseball bat. Not really, but it had about the same effect.
      Like I said, he was going on talking about how healthy things were and what they did for you. Then all of a sudden he started talking about how eating all of these things helped him lose 68lbs, but he was also taking some medicine which made him gain it all back. He said that recently he's lost 50lbs again, and his doctor often checks up on him. He kept talking about how much progress he was making and how he didn't like all of his weight, but that he was fighting it. Man. Immediately I thought of myself and my porn addiction. Because in all of his tellings to me about how much progress he made, he wasn't just giving me information but he wanted me to validate his progress. He wanted me to know he was trying to change something about his life that he knew wasn't good. I honestly wanted to listen to him more than the amount of time it takes to wait in line, but he politely returned my attention to the cashier by reminding me that I was next in line.

      Recently, I confessed to everyone about my porn addiction. I had to because it was killing me and since that time I've only thought about looking at porn less than a handful of times. I still have displeasing thoughts about say, a woman who bends in front of me wearing scantily clad clothing (Remember I work at a restaurant where people are dressed in a variety of ways... some modest, and some not so modest.) I think it's alright that physically my body reacts to seeing a woman like that. Tony Campolo once said this , "If a pretty girl walks by and you don't feel some sort of excitement as a guy, it's not because your really good at being Christian, it's because you're dead." However, since that time I haven't visited a website like that. I've not really been tempted to go online and spend that amount of time doing that. I'm not saying this temptation won't come again, but confessing to the world (xanga and blogspot) has done me a lot of good. I've received a lot of good feedback from people about it. Some have given me encouragement, some have told me they are fighting to, and some people have begun telling me about things they've never told anyone. I won't betray their trust in this post, but I do have some things to say about confession.

      That guy tonight confessed to me. He told me had a problem. And when I left the register with my oatmeal and raisins that he praised so much, I was sad to leave him because I hope that he has someone who is constantly encouraging him and letting him fight, who is pushing him to fight. I hope he tells everyone, so that he can find that help from anywhere and everywhere. You know, alot of times I hear people say that they have people they tell but they don't feel the need to tell everyone. And I understand for the most part because there are certain things about me that I don't tell to just anyone (simply because those things are not killing me like pornography has begun to). But I think sometimes the things in our lives become so Taboo and untellable because we've made them taboo and untellable. Pornography, for instance. You wouldn't believe the people who told me they struggled with it in the past few days. It's really common, but everybody struggles with it. And the truth is that everybody needs help. Everybody needs help, but everybody wants to keep it a secret that they need help. But why not tell everyone? Why not let everyone see you in all of your brokenness so that they may hold you accountable and help you out? I think of it like this...

      When you go quail hunting, you do not use a single fire rifle or your chances of bagging your bird is not going to happen. That's why people use shotguns because they know that shotgun shells spread out little pellets that fly everywhere in a given area, and thus their chances of hitting a bird are increased. They have more of a promise of getting what they need. In the same way, if we shoot at our sin and addictions and dark places with the help of a single confidant or friend, that is a lot of weight to put on them and we cannot rely on them all of the time. But if you put your sin on the line in front of everyone, you have a better chance of getting a mass support group who helps you with what you need.
      I think, too, about Jesus and whether or not he would hide anything from us. I know that Jesus didn't sin, but it is no doubt that he struggled. Jesus does a lot of talking about sin though, and amidst his discussions on this he says, "I tell you the truth, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven" (Matt 18). And what an odd thing to say to, because in a way it is as if the things we do here have some sort of effect on our afterlife. That possibly if I bind myself to pornography, that for the rest of eternity I will be bound by some addiction, or if I loose myself from it (by confessing it and getting it out in front of everyon in an attempt to get help) then I will have loosed my self from any addiction in eternity. For more thoughts about this, read C.S. Lewis' The Great Divorce. 

      What I'm trying to say is that our secret sins hurt us, and they eat at us. We try to fight it by telling one or two people, but in essence it is still a secret. This, I believe, is a cliche idea of what confession is. I think it is good to start with one or two people, but eventually we must expose it to the world and let it be our testimony. I know it's shameful, it really is... I know this. But is telling a couple of people about your sin really giving you a great chance to overcome it? I mean, if we can break the secret of sin, and fight it by exposing our darkness to as much light as possible... then the darkness will surely flee. We must loose ourselves. We must eventually tell everyone and expose our secrets, or they will surely kill us.  
      Equally, those of us who hear this confession must listen intently to the pains and sentences that these people are serving. Everyone at one time lives in a prison, it's just that their bars are made up of different materials. And those of us outside of those bars must fight to free them. It is our duty,

"Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, 'Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?'

 Jesus answered, 'I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.'^" 
                                                                                      -Jesus-

I leave you with this thought:

"For sin shall not be your master, because you are not under law, but under grace."
                                                -Paul to the Romans-

Ultrasounds and Fluoroscopies

So I've been having stomach problems lately and the doctor says I need to get an Abdominal Ultrasound and an Upper GI Fluroscopy, but the only problem is I don't have enough money to pay for it all. They said tomorrow all I have to pay is $50 when I go in. Does anyone care to donate and help me out. It's going to cost around $250 total, but I've already got a load of bills I'm working on paying off so if anyone cares to donate, man that would really help and if you need verification of my bills, I can fax you a copy if you give me a fax number. Thanks.

What Comes With Being Naked

"For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it. What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul?"
                                           -Jesus-

      Just so you know, this post is not intended to be preachy in anyway. It's solely for your benefit, and it is solely about me.

      In 17 days, it will have marked 8 years from the day I committed my life to Jesus Christ. I've changed a lot since then, some for the good and some for the better. Some of those changes I had control over and some of those I could never have had the slightest clue that they were going to happen. There are several things that have happened since that day, among those are these:

      *I dated a girl.
      *I've been shot at in a drive by.
      *I've moved homes in San Antonio twice.
      *I made quite a few very close friends.
      *I lost a good friend named Jonathan Varner to a car accident.
      *My Father abandoned me and the rest of my family. I haven't seen him since.
      *A Swat Team raided my house.
      *I fell in love with a girl.
      *I founded my own ministry.
      *I've spoken at churches, and a youth retreat.
      *I've had tea with Dallas Willard.
      *I've experienced heartache.
      *I've studied abroad in England, and traveled Europe.
      *I've performed in front of an audience of 2,000 people.
      *I've interned at a church as a high school youth intern.
      *I worked at Whataburger and Sea World.
      *Now, I'm working at Pappasitos.

      These are a lot of things.Among those things are situations that involve me trusting people, and people trusting me. When I fell in love with a girl, I trusted her with a portion of my emotional health. When I was given the opportunity to found my own ministry, to speak at a youth retreat, and to internship for 3 months at a church as their high school youth intern, they trusted me with a certain level of integrity and responsibility.

In fact, some of you may have trusted me with lots of things. This is primarily why I'm writing this.

You see, among all of these things I've done since I've begun following Jesus, I haven't mentioned one. In fact, I don't really mention it much because I've been somewhat afraid. I've been afraid to hurt you, with whatever any of you had trusted me with. But I've been reading about some things, and as I was reading tonight and meditating over some things, I was convicted to do this. I've told certain people who need to know about this already, but then there are many people who I just couldn't tell. However, I often talk about being naked and I often quote Derek Webb about being exposed in front of everyone. I realize that the venue here is a little limited (as there's only a handful of people that probably read this blog), but I want to be transparent about who I am with as many people as I can be. And if all I do for the rest of my life is tell you that I want to be transparent and naked about who I am with you, then all I would have done is talked a lot and never have become see through to you. So I will tell you this thing and expose to you more about me in hopes that I will have nothing to hide behind anymore except Jesus.

This thing is pornography. For the last 4 years I've been in somewhat of an affair with pornography. I've struggled many times to not look at it, but then other times I have gone looking for it as relief. It has become the thorn in my side that I've wanted never to have, but always end up fostering. I've gone for about a month or two during this time period of not looking at it, but then there have been times where I have not gone a day without looking at it.

      The truth is that it's killing me. It's stolen a lot of my joy, and it's robbed me of a lot of intimacy that I should've had and should've let others have (of me) in my relationships with all of my friends and family. I've become somewhat of a prisoner to it, and after spending years alone (because I've never fully exposed it to a large group of people) I've suffered in this hell for years. I thought I could shake it by myself, or by asking a few people to pray for me every now and then, but it has become a leach latched onto my soul. It's become the enemy of my integrity and it indeed has turned my heart and character into a third world emotional waste land. 

      For those of you who I ministered to, do not think I wasn't suffering from this while I ministered to you. Because I did. And I'm sorry. I really am. Please know that I never intended to hurt you or betray your trust. I guess that essentially I've just taken myself down a notch, and in all honesty I feel like this is what God is leading me to. Jesus has asked me to cut off the very thing that has caused me to sin. And I could say computers and magazines and tv, but I don't think that is entirely true. Instead, I think what is killing me is keeping it a secret. So I'm cutting off my secrets and telling you that for the past 4 years I've been a porn addict.

      Soon, I'll be leading two ministries and I don't know what effect this will have on those two ministries. In all honesty, this may terminate me from those positions and that's fine because I'd rather lose everything I had to get my soul back. I'd rather stick with the commitment I made nearly 8 years ago than to be married to the appearance of that commitment in the form of a variety of Christian leadership positions. As Reliant K says, "Who I am Hates Who I've Been"... and I can't stay this way forever.

      To those of you that read this post fully, thanks and know that I really am sorry. Right now, I've only begun to realize the effect this addiction has had on my life, but now that I know what kind of toll it is taxing on my life here and in the future, I will not be bound to it anymore. It is a threat to both my relationships with people and my ministry. So if you see me, or talk to me online, or whatever... Please do not be afraid to ask me, "Hey, how is your integrity?"

It's one of the biggest helps you could ever give me. Well there you have it, my name is Matt Worthington and for the last four years I've been a porn addict. I'm sorry for falling into that sin, and I wish I would've realized it sooner. I'm even sorrier if this has damaged any trust with you that I once had, but I would rather be an honest servant than a superficial leader.

These are the cuts and gashes in my character, but I am praying that someday light will shine through the cracks and holes in this jar of clay.

"Tuesday Night at the Bible Study, We Prayed over Your Body, but Nothing Ever Happened."

      I clicked on a tag from Mike Cope's blog about Donald Miller tonight and I came across a blog post connected to that tag entitled "Laughter is the Best Medicine". I've heard that many times since I was a boy, but lately it hasn't been such a cure all for me. 
      
      For instance, last night I was invited for the first time to hang out with some of my co-workers from Pappasitos who enjoy drinking and smoking. They were also playing poker, but while I was there I just kinda noticed how almost everyone was drinking and smoking to enjoy themselves. After one refusal to smoke with them, they let me and my chip stack alone.
      I was hanging out also with a girl friend of mine who likes to laugh a lot, and she has reason to because she's very funny and entertaining, but I admit that I wasn't laughing or being nearly as entertaining as she. And I think sometimes this can be a bummer to some people. I mean lately, I've just been more quiet and for whatever reason I'm not entirely sure, but the truth is I've just been not as "happy" as everyone else. I've just been really calm, quiet, and reserved around people. Is that okay though?

      I guess what ultimately kills me is just how much everyone pursues happiness. Some people chase it and they then they call their pursuit Christianity. But I just don't know if I agree with that. I mean, yes I understand that Joy is one of the fruits of the Spirit, but I can point out to you several different times in the life of Jesus where he was suffering (and No, I'm not just talking about the Passion Week, aka: the last week of Jesus' life).

      Drinking isn't bad, but drinking to be happy or to have a good time makes me hurt for people. Praying isn't bad, but praying to be happy makes me hurt for people. Relationships aren't bad, but being in a relationship to be happy makes me hurt for people. This is what the writer of Ecclesiastes says about being happy,

"I thought in my heart, 'Come now, I will test you with pleasure to find out what is good.' But that also proved to be meaningless.  'Laughter,' I said, 'is foolish. And what does pleasure accomplish?'"

It's not that I'm not an advocate of being happy because I love good times, but I guess when happy becomes a drug for the problems that are demanding our attention, that's when I have a problem. And so I think, which is better? To be happy or to have sorrow in your life. The write of Ecclesiastes says in Chapter 7 that a sad face is what is good for the heart. This is contrary to what most people believe. And I've heard a lot of people say that things out of the Old Testament aren't as valid because of the New Testament. I think those people don't understand the purpose of scripture in the least bit. However, in the New Testament Jesus understood sadness and he himself spoke frequently of this,

    "What sorrows await you who are rich,
       for you have your only happiness now. 
    What sorrows await you who are satisfied and prosperous now,
       for a time of awful hunger is before you.
    What sorrows await you who laugh carelessly,
       for your laughing will turn to mourning and sorrow.
    What sorrows await you who are praised by the crowds,
       for their ancestors also praised false prophets."
                                                               -From Luke 6-

     "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."
                                                               -From John 14-

     "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."
                                                               -From John 16-

So the writer of Ecclesiastes says Happiness is a foolish pursuit. He says also in chapter 7 that sorrow is what is good for the heart. Jesus woes those who are happy and laughing now and in chapter 6 of Luke, he also blesses those who have sadness now. He tells people he wants them to have peace, but his peace is not like the world gives. Yet, we will still have troubles. Are we to be sad?
 
      I listened to a sermon the other day where the preacher said we should be, and I just couldn't agree with him. Just like I couldn't agree with the statement that "Laughter is the Best Medicine".

What do you think?

Austin in August

"So don't get tired of doing what is good. Don't get discouraged and give up, for we will reap a harvest of blessing at the appropriate time."     -Paul to the Galatians-

      I was reading Galatians today because one of my very old pastor friends challenged me with this verse. Lately, I've been struggling with some things that I knew he himself had battled and in lieu of our conversation he gave me this verse and said this was the verse that saturated his mind throughout his entire ordeal. I only read the book once over today, but I noticed some similarities between the Galatians and myself, and all the same I was warmed with some very challenging ideas that Paul gave the Galatians.

      I've always said that one of the hardest things is to be human. Something even harder, as I've been reading this book by Pete Scazzero (The Emotionally Healthy Church), is to be an emotionally healthy human and ultimately I think what that requires is being transparent about who we are. You see, the Galatians had some problems because they were trying to live a double standard. One set up by Christians who were proclaiming that you were a good person according to how much you obeyed the law in a legalistic manner, and the other by those Christians like Paul, and the rest of the Twelve Apostles (post Jesus' death), who said you were a good person based on whether or not you had faith in the belief that Christ died for your sins and you were free because of this . Anywho, I think that's enough Bible terms for this paragraph. Let me break it down a little bit.

      Paul was writing to the Galatians saying, 
      "Listen, you guys are so mixed up because you're doing good things only because you believe that these good things are making you pleasing to God. All the while doing these good things, you're living a double life with quarrels and bickering among each other, which is not really pleasing to God at all. The truth of the matter is that you're trying to decrease your sin by subscribing to the law, though you believe this is making you a better Christian. But by decreasing your sin, you are decreasing your saviour and that is leading you to a lifeless Spirituality. Let your sin be great, and admit that it is great, and only then will your Saviour be great also, and you will experience true freedom in Christ. 
      Now, continue to do these good things that you do, because some of them are very admirable, but do not forget that Christ is the one who saves you. Do not forget the Gospel that has been preached to you thus far, that Christ, and Christ alone frees us from our broken condition."

      I understand this is not the best paraphrase of the book of Galatians, but I believe that essentially this is what is saying to the Galatians. The Galatians are these good people who do great things, but all the while they live with sin they do not fess up to because they believe that by subscribing to a legalistic lifestyle (one that is dominated by rules and tick lists), and in doing so, they've blinded themselves to their sin. What Paul was pointing out to them is that they have sin in their lives, and they need to let themselves be freed of sin by the Holy Spirit which comes through faith in the power of Jesus Christ. Man, this is sounding Churchy again, but this is what Paul is saying.

      And when I think about this in my own life, in my situation where I am swimming upstream trying to climb back up the water fall, all the way to the mountain where you are able to see the rest of the forest. I think I have blinded myself to some of my sin, and I think that possibly some people around me have done the same as well. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that several of us have these white, milky scales resting over our cornea that do not allow us to see the things in our lives that are truly a threat to us. And when I say threat, I'm not talking about any political group, liberals, or homosexuals... please God, don't let anyone take that from this post.What I'm talking about are those things in our lives we are afraid to be transparent about. Those things in our lives that we would prefer to wall in with tinted windows. Those things that we are ashamed and try to convince ourselves that by busying ourselves with enough good, Godly duties, that they will have mended themselves.
      It's taken me awhile, but I think I'm beginning to peel those milky white flakes and slivers off of my eyeballs and see what is posing a threat to me. In lieu of seeing this, I will soon become more transparent about the things in my life. Things that will possibly make you uncomfortable, things that will make you see me in a different light. But ultimately, you see me for who I really am and you will see me as someone who is truly in need of a saviour. And well, as Derek Webb says, "...that's all I've really got anyway."

And now, a few words from Derek Webb:

"The best thing that could ever happen to anyone is that your deepest, darkest, most embarrassing sin, the one you work the hardest to hide... would literally be be broadcast on the 5 o'clock news. The best thing that could ever happen... Because I'm so weary, so tired of hiding my sin from people, of decieving them about who I really am. I'm tired of it. I just wish my sins would just be exposed. I wish there were huge screens that would just show you the truth about me... all the way down to my core. In order that you would know me for who I really was, in order that I would not... could not have the option to hide from you anymore. In order that I would have nothing but Jesus to grab onto, cause' the truth is that's all I've got anyways."

Be Broadcast. Peace!

What Darkness Really Is (From Oxford)

      The most important thing that has stuck out in my mind happened at the very beginning of the semester when I visited St. Andrews. I remember being extremely zoned out during the service because it was one of my first weeks here and I was somewhat depressed by the fact I was stuck in such a depressing climate as Oxford. That sounds harsh I’m sure, but that was true for me back then.
      Anyways, I was sitting there extremely disconnected with the service. In fact, I remember thinking to myself how English preachers should pep up their stories a little bit and how it would’ve behooved them if they had let someone like myself give a workshop on storytelling. I still feel like that, but that’s beside the point. As the sermon began closing up, I saw the youth of the congregation began lining the sides of the pews, and some in front of the pews as well. Then suddenly, the lights went black, and I was thrown off quite a bit. I immediately wondered if the power had gone out or if the world was ending, especially considering the dark climates of Oxford city, but then I heard a voice.
      It was the voice of one of their youths, a real soft spoken and pure voice who began praying for the world that we lived in. This pure voiced boy spoke generally about pain and suffering that occurred in the dark world that we live in. The lights were still off as he said this. Then a match was struck, and a young girl spoke saying that Jesus was the Light of hope in our world. This sounds weird, but if you could’ve seen that match being lit in such a dark cathedral, you would’ve really believed that Jesus was manifest in that tiny little flame.
      At this point, the prayers became less informative to the congregation, and they became more personal and directed towards God. One by one, the young children who lined the pews began lighting their candles, each representing Jesus in a different dark place of the world. “Jesus, Light of the World, shine in Iraq as loved ones, both those we know and those we do not know, lose their lives to fight a war that we pray is not in vain.” “Jesus Light of the World, please shine in the lives of the motherless and the fatherless, showing them that though they have no earthly parents, you are still ever present in their lives.” “Jesus Light of the World, please shine…” And so on and so on. About Iraq, about bombings, about AIDS in Africa, about the fatherless and motherless, about the rejected and humiliated, about the homeless and the loveless. And little by little, each candle began casting vignettes of light against the dark corners of the cathedral, showing the walls of the church in a dim, yet brightening and warming glow.
      I had never been apart of something so hopeful. Before that prayer I was totally disconnected, and stuck in this selfish little box where I complained about how dark my life was and how Oxford didn’t help that. For that hour, I was so disinterested in Andrew, Clarke, the Preacher, the people sitting next to us, and all of a sudden it became interrupted. As if my life couldn’t have been darker, all the lights were shut off and I saw what true darkness was in my problems. The true darkness was attitudes like I had, selfish attitudes that weren’t focused on the poverty stricken, the fatherless, the hungry, the diseased, the hurt, the loveless, friendless, and lonely. I wanted to cry, but I couldn’t. I mean I knew all of that stuff went on in my life, but at that point it became very clear to me that something bigger was going on around me and apparently, that something was becoming less and less about me.

Houston... and C.S. Lewis

      So I decided to be really spontaneous yesterday and drive to Houston. I had a friend who was leaving to Germany for seven weeks and I hadn't seen her in a long time so I decided to try and make it before she left. Sadly, I didn't make it and I missed her by a matter of 5 MINUTES!!!! Can you believe that? Yeah, me neither. Maybe I'll have the time and money to catch her when she comes back.

      However, I still had a lot of fun. I stayed the night with one of my best friend's family and they treated me to some good stew and good conversation. Then after a couple of hours of conversation with them, I headed out to starbucks to relax and read whatever book was in my car... Sadly (again) enough, it was C.S. Lewis' Mere Christianity. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't dislike the guy... but I just really didn't want to read him for the next 3 years because during my semester in Oxford, I took a course where all I read was C.S. Lewis. And I don't care who you are, once you like abunch of books from the same guy in a short period of time and every other day you talk about what you read... You get bored. But since I had no other book that was entertaining (the only other one was The Gospel of Judas which I wasn't in the mood for), I read C.S. Lewis.
      Thankfully, though, I was distracted by the conversation of two extremely loud girls sitting next to me who were arguing what to name their children (I'm not sure but I think one of them had just found out she was pregnant). The Girl who was choosing the names mentioned to her friend something about naming her kid "Houston", but the other said you can't do that cause you don't name kids after cities. So the first girl replied, "Well what about Austin?" and on and on... Then there was talk about naming him "The Bronx" and "Tallahassee" (spelling??) and so on and so on... Needless to say, it was pretty funny because it lasted for like 20 minutes and they began appealing to everyone in starbucks to defend one anothers case.

      And now, a line from C.S. Lewis before I go to work...

"I would much rather say that every time you make a choice you are turning the central part of you, the part of you that chooses, into something a little different from what it was before. And taking your life as a whole, with all your innumerable choices, all your life long you are slowly turning this central thing either into a heavenly creature or a hellish creature: either into a creature that is in harmony with God, and with other creatures, and with itself, or else into one that is in a state of war and hatred with God, and with its fellow-creatures, and with itself. To be the one kind of creature is heaven: that is, it is joy and peace and knowledge and power. To be the other means madness, horror, idiocy, rage, impotence, and eternal loneliness. Each of us at each moment is progressing to the one state or the other."
                                       -From Mere Christianity, pg. 92-